Is It Golden Week Yet?
by Kokutenko
Summary: Your favorite Daria characters with an Asian twist!  Takes place instead of "IIFY?", Japanese version!
1. Chapter 1

Daria Morgendorffer-Daria Mogi

Quinn Morgendorffer-Yuiko Mogi

Anthony Demartino-Satori Temari-sensei

Timothy O'Neill-Chiyosuke Oishi-sensei

Jane Lane-"Michi-Michi" (Michiko Michizawa)-A budding doujinshi fan comic artist

Tom Sloane-Tomohiro Tsurugi

Link-Riku

Alison-Arisa

Stacy-Satsuki

Tiffany-Chizuru

Sandy-Sen

Helen Morgendorffer-Erin Mogi

Jake Morgendoffer-Jiro Mogi

Kevin Thompson-same (transfer student)

Brittany Taylor-Hitomi Taiga

Trent Lane-Toshimichi Michizawa

Angier Sloane-Eiji Tsurugi

Katherine "Kay" Sloane-Keiko Tsurugi

Elsie Sloane-Miruchi Tsurugi

David Sorenson-Soujiro Daifuku

Caroline-Karina

Jett-Chie

Anais-Hanako

Paris-Matsue

Daniel Dotson-Otose-sama

Jodie-Shiori

Mack-Nakuro

Joey-Jin

Jeffy-Jotaro

Jamie-Junji

_**SCENE 1 - OYAMADA HIGH SCHOOL**_

_(The students in Temari-Sensei's classroom are packing books into boxes and removing items from the walls. Among them are Daria, Michiko, Shiori, Kevin, and Hitomi.)_

Mr. Temari - Well, _**students...**_ I certainly _**appreciate**_ your help in cleaning out the _**classroom**_ for Golden Week. It almost makes me _**forget**_ that _**most**_ of you didn't learn a thing _**all year!**_

Daria - That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.

Kevin - _(turning)_ Sensei, as Q.B., I think I can speak for...

Mr. Temari- _**Careful with that map, Kevin-kun!**_

Kevin - Eep! _(turns and quickly prevents map from falling)_

Mr. Temari- Now... _**without**_ turning around. Did you want to dangle a morsel of _**hope**_ before me by announcing you're doing something _**constructive**_ over the break, like partaking in much-needed _**remedial**_ classes or some sort of _**vocation?**_

Kevin - _(turns again)_ I'm not going on vacation. Me and Hitomi-chan are going to be lifeguards.

Mr. Temari- _**No turning around, Kevin-kun!**_

Kevin - Urk! _(turns back to map)_

Mr. Temari- _**Do not turn**_ until... did you say _**lifeguards?**_

Hitomi- It'll be really easy 'cause I already know how to use... oops! _(teeters and falls off the chair, ripping the map in half)_ Um, a bullhorn?

Mr. Temari- _(clutches his head)_ Augh... argh! Why couldn't I have been born during an _**influenza**_ epidemic? Or a bombing raid during the War? Why did I survive, grow tall and strong, only to _**squander**_ all my potential by becoming a _**teacher?**_ Argh...!

Daria - When he would have made such a wonderful motivational speaker.

_(Shiori giggles, but Michi-Michi resolutely continues packing. There's obviously still tension here over "the Tsurugi-kun thing.")_

_**SCENE 2 - OYAMADA HIGH SCHOOL**_

_(Oishi-Sensei is handing back test papers to his sophomore class, which includes Yuiko, Sen, Satsuki, Chizuru, Jin, Jotaro, and Junji.)_

Mr. Oishi- Now remember, these tests I'm handing back are a good "dry run" for your college entrance exams. If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos! You'll have a wide and exciting choice of colleges. And for those with less, uh, robust scores, there are still wonderful opportunities in the food services sector.

Satsuki - Hmm... 940.

Chizuru - 9... 02.

Yuiko - 955.

_(Sen scowls at that news, because her test score is 924. Solution? Lie through her teeth, of course.)_

Sen - 956. I guess we're all of comparable intelligence.

Chizuru - Yeah... comparable.

_(Yuiko displays a "yeah, right" look, as it took Chizuru ten seconds just to say those two words. At that point, however, the dismissal bell rings.)_

Mr. Oishi - All right, have a rewarding and growth-filled Golden Week, everyone. And by the way, we still have openings for counselors at the "Okay to Cry Corral", my day camp for sensitive children and those who'd like to be. It's going to be wonderful.

_(His words are falling on deaf ears, as all of his students are filing past him and out the door. All except Yuiko, who approaches his desk and waits for him to notice her.)_

Mr. Oishi- I hope... some of... um... all right, then. I'll miss you all, too. _(finally notices Yuiko standing there)_ Ah, the younger Mogi-kun, you'd like to join the roundup at the Okay to Cry Corral and make a difference in a child's life?

Yuiko- Why would I want to do that? I just, um, need to ask you something.

Mr. Oishi - Problems at home? Is it your mother? She seems awfully stressed. Has she been acting out on you?

Yuiko- It's about my test score.

Mr. Oishi- _(dejected)_ Oh...

Yuiko- Um, let's say you got a certain score on a test, and it wasn't terrible, but some other people got almost the same score, people you really thought you could do better than, although for personal reasons you'd rather not name them or say why?

Mr. Oishi - Um... what?

Yuiko- Okay, forget everything I just said. Let's try this. Can I get into K University with a 955?

Mr. Oishi - 955? Oh, dear. Well, let's see.

_(He goes to his desk and leafs through a book, presumably a reference book on universities, until he finds the entry for K University.)_

Mr. Oishi – Let's see…K University. It is known more for its wide range of social activities than for academics, but... ah! Uh-oh. I'm afraid to get into K University you'll need a combined score of at least 1,000.

Yuiko- But that's not fair! I didn't have time to study with my Fashion Club duties. Don't extracurricular activities count for anything?

Mr. Oishi - Hmm. Well, Mogi-kun, if you think studying would help, I say go for it! Take this summer to crack the books. Hire a tutor. Put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.

Yuiko- What's wrong with my nose?

_(Mr. Oishi groans. Unfortunately, it's the kind of response he's come to expect.)_

_**SCENE 3 - OYAMADA HIGH SCHOOL**_

_(Daria and Michi-Michi are walking down the hall. There is obvious tension between the two.)_

Daria - I think I'm finally finding out what it feels like to be a Michizawa.

Michiko - That can't be, since it's only afternoon and you're already out of bed.

Daria - I mean the lack of tiresome parental involvement. Mine have been so busy they've completely forgotten to force me into some dumb social activity. I'm turning into you.

Michiko- Well, you've got so much else of mine, you might as well have my identity.

Daria - _(slightly indignant)_ Hey...!

Michiko - Take a joke, Daria. Anyway, que ironico. You don't have plans for Golden Week, I do.

Daria - Ironico's not a word.

Michiko- This old commune-mate of my mother's needs some assistants to help him finish his latest work for a doujinshi convention. I've been accepted to come and work for him, though my experience is somewhat limited compared to his.

Daria - _(no enthusiasm whatsoever)_ That's great...

Michiko- That sounds sincere.

Daria - Why didn't you say anything?

Michiko- I didn't want to jinx it. Two months of inking and sketching my heart out in a small country town in the middle of nowhere. Starting this weekend.

Daria - Does this small country town have a name, or do you just stop when you hear the higurashi cry?*

Michiko - Cheer up, Daria. Without me around, you'll have that much more time for your budding social life.

_(Daria makes a face at that; things obviously aren't going well between them, and apparently this was not the first comment of this type from Michiko.)_

_**SCENE 4 - OYAMADA HIGH SCHOOL**_

_(The Fashion Club is dining together in the cafeteria, as usual.)_

Yuiko - This college book said you need a score of 1,000 and a B-minus average to get into K University.

Satsuki- God, we're only flesh and blood.

Chizuru – Satchan**... eww.

Satsuki - Sorry.

Sen - So we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere that appreciates our specialness and individuality.

Yuiko- But I'm sure I can do better on those tests.

Sen - You can do better?

Yuiko - We. Did I say me? We.

Sen - Gee, Mogi, I'm glad you think you're so much smarter than the rest of us, but you're worried about nothing. We have plenty of time to pull up our test scores next year.

Satsuki - Yeah! No sweat.

Chizuru - Satchan... eww.

Satsuki- Sorry.

_**SCENE 5 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Jiro is eating a bowl of rice at the kitchen counter, while Daria is making toast. Erin is rummaging through the refrigerator.)_

Daria - More rice, Dad? I found an extra bottle of soy sauce.

Jiro - No thanks... the old diet, you know. _(looks closer at the bag of rice)_ February second? Hey! It's April! This rice has expired!

Erin - Relax, Jiro. That's a sell-by date. We've been storing it properly since then. It's fine.

Jiro - Easy for you to say. You didn't just eat a huge bowl of poisoned rice!

Daria - Mom's right. Besides, if you had food poisoning you'd be developing a very mild stomachache by now.

Jiro - A mild stomachache? I think I have one, damn it!

_(Erin is done in the fridge, so she turns to address Jiro's latest neurosis.)_

Erin - Jiro, can't you ever tell when anyone's joking?

Jiro- Of course I can. Um... you're not doing it now, are you?

Erin - It's April? Oh my gosh, Daria, what are you doing for Golden Week?

Daria - I was wondering when you'd ask, but don't worry. I have a job.

Jiro- Good for you, kiddo.

Erin - I see... and what exactly is this job?

Daria - I'm sorry, but the confidentiality agreement I signed with the government prevents me from revealing that. I've already said too much.

Jiro - Wow! I mean, wow, what a funny joke.

Erin- Daria, I'm serious. I'm not going to let you sit around the house all week.

Daria - Fine. I'll lie around the house all week.

_(Yuiko walks into the kitchen, and is immediately ambushed by Erin)_

Erin - Yuiko, what are your plans for Golden Week?

Yuiko- All right, I admit it! My last test scores were a little low.

Erin - What?

Yuiko- Sempai said we have plenty of time to catch up next year.

Erin- What about all the new things you'll have to learn then?

Daria- Yeah, kanji are much harder than hiragana***.

Yuiko- Oh, great. So you think I should get a tutor, too. Aren't there, like, any TV shows I can watch?

Daria - Good idea. You wouldn't want to flunk the essay section on _Death Note._

Jiro- Ha! _Death Note_.

Erin - Well, if you don't want a tutor, then...

Yuiko- Fine! A tutor it is.

_(And Yuiko walks out, leaving her confused family in her wake.)_

*A reference to Japanese psychological horror series Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni (When The Cicadas Cry), which similarly takes place in a Japanese country town.

**The –chan honorific used to denote closeness is here made into a portmanteau of Satsuki's name.

***Japan has four major writing styles: Hiragana (original Japanese), Katakana (used for foreign words), Kanji (Chinese characters with Japanese pronunciation) and Romaji (English letters). Daria is correct here-Kanji are by far the most difficult system.


	2. Chapter 2

_**SCENE 6 - OYAMADA HIGH SCHOOL**_

_(Kevin, Hitomi, Nakuro, and Shiori are in the hallway, signing each others' yearbooks. Other students are cleaning out their lockers.)_

Hitomi- Just make it out to me – Taiga Hitomi!

Shiori- Gee... thanks for clearing that up.

Hitomi - You're welcome! What are you guys doing for Golden Week?

_(Shiori assumes "the position"... she's obviously recited this one too many times.)_

Shiori - Two internships, volunteer community service, a part-time job and, in my spare time, golf lessons.

Kevin - Wow! What about you, Nakkun*?

Nakuro- Pushing a noodle cart.

Kevin - _(laughs)_ That's not very prestidigitatious.

Nakuro - Thanks for pointing that out.

Kevin - You're welcome.

Shiori – Nakuro-kun owes his father some money and I think it's very conscientious of him to take that job and pay him back.

Nakuro - Yeah. He gets the money, I get the humiliation.

Shiori – Nakuro-kun, it'll be fine.

Hitomi - Wait... isn't golf for old people who dress funny?

Shiori- Yeah - my parents. They're trying to get into the Tobaki** Country Club and they want me to learn how to play.

Kevin - Hey, do you get to wear one of those little hats and play the Charumera song***? _(laughs)_ Charumera?

_(Nakuro grumbles. Kevin probably doesn't know how close he came to getting flattened right on the spot. Elsewhere, the Fashion Club is strolling down another hallway, presumably looking for yearbook signers.)_

Sen - So I told my parents, all right, I'll go with you on your little trip to Okinawa, but don't expect me to take part in any family luaus.

Yuiko - But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus?

Sen - Why, Mogi, that's exactly what my mother said. Maybe you should go with them.

Satsuki - What are you doing for Golden Week, Yu-chan?

Yuiko - Oh, nothing special. See some movies, catch up on my dating... _(quietly)_ get a tutor.

Sen - A tutor?

Satsuki - Oh, I'm so sorry, Yu-chan.

Chizuru- Really...

Yuiko- I know. It's terrible. But my mother's making me. Um, you guys will keep it to yourselves, won't you?

Satsuki- Of course.

Sen- You can trust us.

Chizuru- You have our word...

Yuiko- You guys are the best!

_(And in yet another hallway, Daria and Michiko are headed for their lockers, the tension between them thicker than ever.)_

Daria - I think we should talk.

Michiko- Okay. _(stiffly)_ We are now talking.

Daria - About Tsurugi-kun.

Michiko- That I don't want to talk about.

Daria - If you're still upset about it, we should deal with it now. Especially since we won't be seeing each other for a week.

Michiko- You don't get it, do you? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I told you, I'm not mad at you about Tsurugi-kun. Now let it freaking go, okay?

Daria - Can I at least take you out for some good luck okonomiyaki**** before you leave for your big doujin adventure?

Michiko- Daria, I said let it go.

_(And Michiko leaves a dejected Daria in the dust. It's going to be a loooong week.)_

_**SCENE 7 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Jiro is sitting on the living room couch, reading the paper, when Erin walks into the room)_

Erin - Jiro, put the paper down. That boy Daria's been dating is on his way over.

Jiro - You mean Yuiko's been dating.

Erin - No, Daria.

Jiro- Oh! Good one, honey. Mogi Jiro sure appreciates a funny joke.

Erin- Jiro, will you listen to me, please? Daria's been out with this Tsurugi-kun several times and we're finally going to meet him, and I want to make sure we have our game plan together.

Jiro- Wait, I remember now. The guy without any vocal cords.

Erin - I want you to stay cool and relaxed and not embarrass her by getting all nervous and crazy.

Jiro- _(still not listening)_ Daria said he communicates by blinking. Now was it one blink for yes or one blink for no?

Erin- She was joking!

Jiro- I know! Ha-ha-ha-ha...! Now, what's the game plan?

Erin - The game plan is, you don't say a word.

Jiro- So he won't feel self-conscious about the vocal cords, right?

_(The doorbell rings. Erin opens the door, to find Tomohiro standing on the front stoop.)_

Erin - Hello! You must be Tsurugi-kun.

Tomohiro - I...

Erin- I'm Mogi Erin.

Tomohiro- Glad to...

Erin- Won't you come in?

Tomohiro - I'd...

Erin- Great!

_(Tomohiro makes a dejected face - he obviously isn't used to not being able to get in a word edgewise - and follows Erin into the house.)_

Erin - We've heard so much about you.

Tomohiro - Really?

Erin- Um, well, actually...

Jiro- _(leaps off the couch)_ Hey there, young man! Mogi Jiro.

Tomohiro - _(shaking Jake's hand)_ Hi, I'm Tsurugi Tomohiro.

Erin – Say, you're not the same Tsurugi as in the Tsurugi Zaibatsu*****?

Tomohiro - Well, that's my dad, so I guess...

Jiro– The Tsurugi Zaibatsu? Hey, sign me up for a little of that insider trading. _(Erin and Tomohiro scowl at Jiro's tasteless joke as Daria descends the stairs)_ Ha-ha! Little joke, of course. Class firm like your father's would never, uh, mmm... _(he's getting nowhere)_ Say, you know, my vocal cords hurt. I'd better go gargle.

_(Daria and Tomohiro finally escape the house and proceed to Tomohiro's car.)_

Daria - Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.

_(Tomohiro gives Daria a quick kiss, and Daria responds with a small smile.)_

Tomohiro - Ramen?

Daria - Okay.

_(They finally reach his car. It's not his old rustbucket. It's a new rustbucket - a Jaguar - though in obviously better condition than his old Ford Pinto.)_

Daria - What's this?

Tomohiro - My new car. Well, my grandmother's old one.

Daria - Did you _want_ this car?

Tomohiro - Well, yeah, after my parents had my old one towed away in the middle of the night. _(climbs behind the wheel)_

Daria - _(gets into the passenger seat)_ Note to self: leave Yuiko out on curb tonight.

To be continued…

* Nakkun-a portmanteau of "Nakuro" and the just-acquaintaces "kun" honorific. Closest thing to "Mack Daddy" that I could think of for Japanese.

** Tobaki-written with the characters for "flying" and "tree". Nearly a full translation of the original English "Winged Tree".

*** The charumera is a reeded woodwind instrument from Japan. Typically, ramen carts play a few notes on this that have come to be known as The Charumera Song.

**** Okonomiyaki-flat Japanese cabbage pancakes, sometimes referred to as Japanese pizza. The name literally means "cooked how you like it", as they are customizable.

***** Zaibatsu-a term for large financial and business conglomerate


	3. Chapter 3

_**SCENE 8 - DOWNTOWN SAITAMA**_

_(Daria and Tomohiro/Tom are walking towards Torabo Ramen, when who should appear but Kevin and Hitomi/Brittany)_

Hitomi- Oh, hi, Mogi-chan!

Daria - Um, hello.

Kevin - Hey, Mogi, I didn't know you had a brother.

Daria - What?

Hitomi- Michi-michi's going out with your brother? Wow!

Daria - What?

Hitomi - You're Tsurugi-kun, right? Michizawa Michiko's boyfriend?

Tomohiro - Well, I am Tsurugi, but...

Kevin - How long have you and Mogi been brothers? I mean, how long has Mogi been your brother? Wait a minute, uh...

Tomohiro - Actually...

Daria - Um, listen, it's been great talking and all, but we've got to get back to the Rent-a-Brother shop before they charge us for an extra day. Bye.

_(Daria and Tomohiro walk away)_

Kevin - You know what, babe? I don't think he's her brother at all.

Tomohiro- What's the matter?

Daria - I can't do this. I can't spend the evening in there explaining to people that no, you're not my brother, and no, you're not Michi-michi's boyfriend, you're actually my, uh...

Tomohiro - Yes?

Daria - Guy I'm dating.

Tomohiro- Okay. I understand. I know, let's bag the ramen joint and go to my parents' club.

Daria - You're not much for crafty strategizing, are you?

Tomohiro - Nobody knows you there. Besides, they charge my folks for meals whether they eat them or not, so we might as well get their money's worth.

Daria – Tsurugi-kun, as much as I'd like to help your family in their time of need...

_(The Fashion Club chooses that moment to walk by, with each member appraising Tomohiro as they pass.)_

Daria - Do they have yakitori?

_**SCENE 9 - TOBAKI COUNTRY CLUB**_

_(Daria and Tomohiro are sitting in the elegant dining room; it's obvious that it's a haven for the well-off)_

Tomohiro - Think you'll come visit me while I'm working in my father's office this month? _(fake enthusiasm)_ You can help me file earnings reports.

Daria - Oh, sure, that old line. _(looks around at the other members)_ Boy, you can really smell the mold on the old money in here, can't you?

Tomohiro - Better on the money than on the food. Uh-oh...

Daria - Someone pull out a new twenty?

_(Worse: Eiji/Angier, Keiko/Katherine, and Miruchi/Elsie Tsurugi - Tomohiro's parents and younger sister - approach their table. They're dressed in that rich-but-trying-not-to-flaunt-it way. Miruchi apparently is not enjoying herself.)_

Tomohiro - Mom, Dad... Miruchi. Daria, this is my mother and father and my sister, Miruchi.

_(the Tsurugis and Daria exchange greetings)_

Keiko- I just spoke with Aunt Haruka. She's made a lot of improvements on the house.

Miruchi- She had the screen door fixed.

Tomohiro - We always spend at least half of Golden Week at the cove with my great Aunt Haruka. It's kind of a tradition.

Miruchi- In other words, we don't have a choice.

Eiji- How about you, Daria-kun? I'll bet you have something fun planned for Golden Week.

Daria - Um...

Tomohiro - Actually, Mogi-san's just going to relax. She's earned it - she made high honor roll all three trimesters.

Keiko - Matsumori doesn't have trimesters.

Daria - I go to Oyamada High.

Keiko - Oh. _(pause)_ Well, high honor roll is an achievement at any school.

Daria - Actually, at ours it just means you managed to stay out of prison all year.

_(There's an uncomfortable pause before Miruchi starts to laugh, followed by Eiji and Keiko. Daria, however, is less than thrilled with being put on the spot.)_

_(Later... Tomohiro and Daria are parked in front of the Mogi house.)_

Tomohiro - Sorry about the family onslaught.

Daria - No big deal. Your parents had to find out you were dating me sometime.

Tomohiro - Does that bother you? That I hadn't told them about you?

Daria - _(hesitantly)_ No.

Tomohiro – Mogi-san, I never tell them about anyone I'm dating.

Daria - Now I _really_ feel special.

Tomohiro - Well, you should. Because I like you.

Daria - Thanks. Um, I'd better be going.

Tomohiro - Hold on. I want to ask you... do you, you know... feel the same way about me?

Daria - Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye.

_(Daria gets out of the car - quickly - leaving Tomohiro pleased, but oblivious to Daria's discomfort.)_

_**SCENE 10 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(A young man strolls up the walkway to the front door and rings the doorbell. After a moment, Daria opens the front door.)_

Daifuku-sensei/David Sorenson - Hi, I'm Daifuku Soujiro. Are you Mogi Yuiko-san?

Daria - I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?

Daifuku-sensei - The Divine Comedy.

Daria - Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with my sister?

Daifuku-sensei - I'm here to tutor her.

Daria - Seriously.

_(Erin/Helen arrives and opens the door wide.)_

Erin - Yuiko, your tutor's here! Daifuku-sensei, please come in. Mogi Erin (_takes David's hand, then scowls at Daria)_ Don't mind Daria. Unemployment does strange things to one's mind.

_(Yuiko/Quinn and Daifuku-sensei sit in the kitchen)_

Daifuku-sensei - I see here that you took European History last year. I guess there's no need repeating that.

Yuiko - Oh, yeah. Napoleon, Waterworld, the A La Carta.

Daifuku-sensei - Hmm... "revisit European history." Moving on to literature. I want you to check off all the books you've read. No point in assigning Sei Shounagon or Murasaki Shikibu* again.

Quinn - What were those books about?

Daifuku-sensei - _(laughs)_ Uh... okay. How's this for an idea? Tell me-what are your best subjects?

Yuiko - Well, let's see... I have an unerring color sense.

_(At that, Daifuku-sensei does not look at all impressed, as evidenced by the "this is going to be tougher than I thought" look on his face.)_

_**SCENE 11 – SOMEWHERE IN RURAL JAPAN**_

_(The director is escorting Michiko/Jane to her cabin.)_

Director - I got a postcard from your mother. Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.

Michiko - Can you believe there are some people who wouldn't want to go there?

Director - I know... here we are.

_(The director opens the door of the cabin to reveal a group of young women, all of whom are lounging around the common area of the cabin. They're all dressed in black, and sport oh!-so-trendy haircuts complete with offbeat colors.)_

Karina/Caroline - I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its place, but now it just looks like so much black-velvet junk at the swap-meet.

Matsue/Paris - That's not fair. You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time.

Karina - You can if it's good.

Director - _(clears throat)_ Everyone, I'd like you to meet your new housemate, Michizawa Michiko-chan. Michiko-chan... Karina-chan, Chie-chan, Hanako-chan, and Matsue-chan**.

Michiko - Hey.

_(All of the girls murmur greetings.)_

Director - Enjoy. I'll see you later. _(she leaves)_

Michiko - Thanks.

Chie/Jett- Nice haircut.

Michiko- Thanks, I...

Karina - Anyway, color is not something you just fling around like a dog marking its territory.

_(The girls murmur responses as Michiko looks on and wonders what to make of her new roommates.)_

_**SCENE 12 - PUBLIC POOL**_

_(Kevin and Hitomi are dressed in full lifeguard regalia. Kevin is wearing red swim trunks, while Hitomi is wearing a red one-piece bathing suit. Both are sporting whistles.)_

Hitomi– Kevin-chan! You look so cute.

Kevin - And you look hot.

Hitomi - And your muscles, they're so ripply.

Kevin - Aw, babe.

_(Behind them, a kid can be seen choking and waving his arms. He's clearly in distress, and it's just as clear that Kevin and Hitomi are totally oblivious to his plight.)_

Lifeguard - Hey! You guys are supposed to be watching the pool!

Kevin - What about this arm? Is it ripply, too?

Hitomi- Ooh... let me see how ripply. Oh...

_(The senior lifeguard jumps into the pool and pulls the kid to safety. As she does so, she shoots an angry glance at the two lovebirds.)_

_**SCENE 13 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and Daria is still sound asleep. Erin walks into the bedroom and opens a curtain; she's definitely not very pleased. Later that evening, Erin is on the living room sofa as Daria heads for the front door.)_

Daria - Can't talk... top secret mission.

Erin - Well, complete your mission soon because I'm sending you on another one. Oishi-sensei called looking for day camp volunteers and I signed you up.

Daria - You didn't.

Erin - You start tomorrow. I'm sorry, but you're not staying locked up in your room all week.

Daria - So instead, you're going to lock me up with a busload of whiny kids and the poor man's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Erin - Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say. "Judge and be judged."

Daria - And I judge myself unfit for human contact.

Erin - That's exactly what you will be if you don't start engaging with the rest of us. _(stands up)_ You keep hiding your real face behind that antisocial mask and one day the mask will be your face. I'm not letting that happen. You're working at that camp. _(leaves)_

Daria - What about my feelings? What about my rights? _(door shuts)_ What about my bribe?

_**SCENE 14 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Yuiko and Daifuku-sensei are in the middle of a tutoring session. Well, Daifuku is, anyway; Yuiko is on the phone with Satsuki/Stacy.)_

Yuiko - But Satsuki, how can I possibly decide if you should wear your chocolate brown or beige brown headband if you haven't picked out your eyeliner? _(looks over at Daifuku-sensei, and sees how angry he's getting)_ Beige brown, bye. _(hangs up)_ Sorry.

Daifuku-sensei- Okay. As I was saying, people before the Meiji era*** were in constant...

Yuiko- God, we still haven't gotten to the Meiji Era? I mean, things were so depressing then, and everyone was so short. _(phone rings)_ Oh, Sempai! Listen, I'm kind of bus... she wore under-the-knee knee socks? No!

_(Daifuku has finally had enough; he starts packing up his books.)_

Yuiko- Hang on a second. Where are you going?

Daifuku-sensei - Far, far away.

Yuiko- Sempai, I'll call you right back. _(hangs up)_ Okay. So we were talking about short people.

Daifuku-sensei - No, _you_ were talking about sock length. _(stands up)_ See ya.

Yuiko- But you can't go! I haven't learned anything!

Daifuku-sensei- Gee, and how do you propose to do that when you're on the phone through the whole session?

Yuiko- But they call, Sensei, they call!

Daifuku-sensei - Look, you seem bright enough, but I just can't sit here and listen to any more vacuous prattle with your brain-dead friends. Eyeliner, headband colors... God, are you boring.

Yuiko- I'm not boring! I'm popular!

Daifuku-sensei - Hey, the only reason you're popular is your looks, and those won't last forever. You have nothing interesting to say and no intellectual curiosity whatsoever. Do the world a favor and don't go to college. Give up your spot to somebody who wants to learn.

_(Yuiko gasps; it's obvious she's never been talked to like this before. At least, not by someone whose opinion mattered, on a subject she cared about.)_

Yuiko- But... you just said I was bright!

Daifuku-sensei - So what? It doesn't matter, if you're hell-bent on achieving complete brain atrophy before you're old enough to vote.

Yuiko- I'm not! Sensei, my friends and I all got practically the same scores on our last test.

Daifuku-sensei - So?

Yuiko - So they were bad. And I know I can do better. It's not like I care or anything, it's just that I know I can.

Daifuku - It's not like you care? It's not like you want to do better? Then why the hell am I here?

_(Yuiko pauses for a moment to let that sink in. Finally, she comes to a decision as she places the phone in the middle of the table.)_

Yuiko - All right. I care. I want to do better.

Daifuku-sensei - Okay, then... the Keio Era****.

_(Daifuku sits down and opens his textbook again as Yuiko resigns herself to her situation.)_

To be continued…

*The authors of well-known classic Japanese novels "The Pillow Book" and "The Tale of Genji." Silly Yuiko has mistaken the names of the authors for the names of their novels.

**As this character's original name of "Paris" was the name of a city, I decided to name her Matsue the same vein, after a city in Japan.

***The historical period in which Japan began to seriously open its doors to the West. A period of great Japanese expansion and education.

****The historical period directly before the Meiji era.


	4. Chapter 4

_**SCENE 15 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(Daria and Temari-sensei/Mr. Demartino are seated together at either side of Oishi-sensei/Mr. O'Neill. Daria looks like she'd rather be anywhere else, while Temari-sensei looks like he wants to tear a hole in the wall to escape. The kids gather in a circle as Oishi-sensei runs through his introduction)_

Oishi-sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Greetings, and welcome to the Okay to Cry Corral. I'm Chiyosuke-ojisan*, and together, we're going to take a journey to the land of self-discovery. A land where it's okay to laugh, and it's okay... to cry.

Daria - I feel like doing that now.

Oishi-sensei/Mr. O'Neill - And now, I'd like my co-counselors, Daria-neechan** and Satori-ojisan, to say a few words about what they hope to accomplish here.

Temari-sensei /Mr. Demartino- After _**you,**_ Daria-neechan.

Daria - Thanks, Satori-ojisan. _(steps forward)_ My goal is to get out of this unscathed. _(steps back)_

Temari-sensei/Mr. Demartino - I'm hoping to rediscover the _**joys**_ and _**satisfactions**_ of _**teaching,**_ and the motives that led me to pursue such a _**thankless...**_ I mean, _**rewarding**_ profession in the first place. At least that's what my doctor says I need to do before I incur a cerebral _**hemorrhage!**_

Oishi-sensei/Mr. O'Neill – Satori-ojisan... _(chuckles nervously)_ I mean, what are your goals for the campers?

Temari-sensei /Mr. Demartino- Oh. Um... _(pulls out a cue card)_ "To help make this a _**pleasurable**_ experience for all. Let's learn to love ourselves together."

_(pause)_

Oishi-sensei /Mr. O'Neill- Okay. _(chuckles nervously)_ Let's divide into three groups, shall we? One, two, three. Daria-neechan, you take group one.

_(Daria approaches her group, which consists of four kids, one of whom is resting his head on his folded arms.)_

Daria - Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like to say anything before we get started?

Kid #1 - How come you're so pale?

Kid #2 - Why do you bite your nails?

Kid #3 - Do you ever smile?

Daria- _(to the kid at the end)_ Um, how about you? Would you like to say anything?

_(The kid, Riku/Link, slowly raises his head.)_

Riku/Link- Is Goldenweek over yet?

_**SCENE 16 – SOMEWHERE IN RURAL JAPAN**_

_(Otose-sama/Daniel Dodson, famous manga artist - in his mind - is giving a lecture before his assembled assistants.)_

Otose /Daniel- When I unveiled "True Love Sisters" in 1991, it was hailed as intriguing, provocative, even brilliant. And not just by me.

_(scattered laughter)_

Otose/Daniel- No, we all know critics tend to get carried away. But what was I thinking when I created a work that seems to have turned out both seminal and semiotic?

Michiko /Jane- "I can't believe I'm getting away with this?"

_(Sitting beside her, a young woman with tattoos on her arms and long, dark hair – Arisa/Allison - glances over at Michiko/Jane and smirks; she obviously appreciates a good sarcastic remark.)_

Matsue/Paris - Excuse me, Otose-sensei?

Otose/Daniel- Please... Matsue-chan, isn't it? Call me Otose-sama.

Matsue/Paris– Otose-sama. I just want to say, I think you're the greatest doujin artist of our time.

Michiko /Jane- "And not just because I have no taste."

_(Everyone except Michiko/Jane and Arisa/Allison applaud.)_

Guy - I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?

Arisa /Allison- "My alimony bills."

_(This time, it's Michiko/Jane's turn to look impressed. She and Arisa/Allison exchange a look that needs no translation: they're on the same wavelength regarding this full-of-himself poseur.)_

Otose/Daniel- I don't sit around and wait for inspiration. I grab it - in the glint of the sun on a frozen peak... in the pain of an arthritic's hobble... in a lover's whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say, my inspiration comes from life itself.

Guy - Wow.

_(Now Michiko/Jane and Arisa/Allison are frowning. If anything, their hatred of this clown is getting deeper, if that's possible.)_

Otose/Daniel- Well, that's enough of the old windbag's ramblings for today. Come on, people: those backgrounds won't shade themselves.

_(The other students sigh with disappointment, then applaud as Otose/Daniel returns to his desk.)_

Arisa/Allison - Hi. I'm Arisa.

Michiko/Jane – Michizawa Michiko.

_(They shake hands.)_

Arisa/Allison- Otose-sama's really something, isn't he?

Michiko/Jane- Well, he certainly doesn't let substance get in the way of self-congratulatory yap.

Arisa/Allison- At least we'll never have to worry about him intimidating us with his talent.

_(Michiko/Jane lets out a small smile, thinking that this place might not be so bad after all.)_

_**SCENE 17 - SAITAMA STREET**_

_(several kids are crowded around Nakuro/Mac's ramen cart and screaming their demands)_

Boy #1 - Refill!

Nakuro/Mac - Hang on.

Girl #1 – Play the charumera song again!

Boy #2- Gimme a miso ramen!

Nakuro /Mac- Just a second.

_(phone rings, Nakuro/Mac answers)_

Nakuro/Mac – Moshi moshi***?

_(split-screen between Nakuro/Mac and Shiori/Jodie, who's stuffing envelopes for a charity carnival)_

Shiori/Jodie - Sounds like you're having as good a day as I am.

Nakuro/Mac - Well, things are looking up now. Want to do something later?

Shiori/Jodie- I can't. I'm gonna be stuffing envelopes all night. But I'll see you at my family's party, right?

Nakuro/Mac- Right. Unless I... _(loudly)_ decide to shove a set of chopsticks down someone's throat first!

_(In response, one of the kids throws his empty ramen cup at Nakuro/Mac, hitting him square in the head.)_

_**SCENE 18 - THE TSURUGI HOUSE**_

_(Tomohiro/Tom and Daria are watching television.)_

ZS Announcer - Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet? "Rats on Ritalin," on the next _Zetsubou Sekai****._

Tomohiro/Tom - Maybe you should get some of that for the little campers.

Daria - Ritalin or the rats?

_(Keiko/Kay and Miruchi/Elsie enter the room. Miruchi/Elsie sits on the chair opposite the couch where Tomohiro/Tom and Daria are sitting. She is carrying a garment bag, which she unceremoniously dumps on the ottoman.)_

Keiko/Kay - Hello, Daria-kun. It's nice to see you again.

Daria - Um, you, too, Mrs. Tsurugi. Hi, Miruchi.

Keiko/Kay- Miruchi, why don't you show Daria-kun and Onii-chan (5) the dress we bought you for the Starry Night Ball?

Miruchi/Elsie- Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.

Keiko/Kay – Daria-kun, is there any way I can change your mind about going? Then you and I could gang up and convince Tomohiro.

Daria - Um...

Tomohiro/Tom- Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Mom's on the board of that new Art Museum. They're holding a benefit to raise money for a new wet bar.

Keiko/Kay - A new gallery. It should be a lot of fun.

Daria - Um, sounds like it.

Miruchi/Elsie- If you like watching ice sculptures melt.

Tomohiro/Tom - Actually, these things are excruciatingly dull and stuffy, and I told her there's no way we're going.

Daria - Well, um, I guess that's right.

Keiko/Kay- You know, Daria-kun, this event is not members-only. I'd love to send your parents an invitation if you think they'd be interested.

Daria - Um... thanks.

Miruchi/Elsie- Are you going to blow off fireworks at the club, too?

Tomohiro/Tom- Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already told... _promised_ Daria I'd go with her to her neighborhood's summer festival (6).

Keiko/Kay– Daria-kun, what can we do to get into your good graces?

_(An embarrassed Daria's discomfort level reaches an all-time high as she sits in the middle of the conversation.)_

_**SCENE 19 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(The kids are in the activities room. They're not happy.)_

Oishi-sensei/Mr, O'Neill - Now, I want each of you to think of the blue lanyard as representing how you feel on the inside, and the green as how you present yourself on the outside. Picture...

Kirino- It's a hundred degrees! Can't we go for a swim in the lake?

Kids - Yeah... lake!

Oishi-sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Now, Kirino-chan... do we really want to risk exposure to algae blooms? Maybe some other time, when it's not quite as warm out.

_(kids groan)_

Temari-sensei/Mr. Demartino- The _**blue**_ strand represents the _**gnawing**_ feeling of _**failure**_ growing with each wasted year. The green represents the _**ulcer**_ you're developing from the unrelenting _**indignities**_ you suffer. Take the blue and cross it under... I mean, _**over**_ the loop and then through the _**frustration...**_ argh...! Lanyards suck!

_(Temari-sensei/Mr. Demartino gets up and walks away, leaving the kids confused)_

Daria - So continue threading the blue with the green until you've finished. Or can't take the tedium anymore.

_(She picks up a book and lets the kids continue with the project. Eventually, Riku/Link gets up and walks over to her.)_

Daria - Hey, Riku. Need some help?

Riku/Link - Nope. All done.

_(Riku/Link tosses his project on the table and leaves. Daria picks it up and examines it: it's a twisted, gnarled mess. Riku/Link is obviously not having a good time.)_

_**SCENE 20 – SHIORI'S HOUSE**_

_(The summer festival is in full swing, with influential guests and various students from Oyamada High in attendance. The Three J's approach Yuiko/Quinn and the Fashion Club, who are standing off to one side of the deck.)_

Jin/Joey - Hey, Yu-chan, can I get you a soda?

Jotaro/Jeffy - How about a grilled squid to go with it?

Junji/Jamie - How about some barbecue sauce to go with that?

Yuiko/Quinn - Um, okay. _(she watches the J's scramble away to fulfill her wishes)_

Sen/Sandy - Gee, Mogi... I'm surprised you're not at the planetarium with the jet propulsion club, what with all your tutoring.

Yuiko/Quinn - Sempai, shh. I'm trying to keep that a little quiet, remember?

Sen/Sandy - Say no more. As your friend and fellow Fashion Club officer, I give you my solemn word that your secret is safe with me.

Yuiko/Quinn- Thanks a lot, Sempai.

_(the Three J's return)_

Sen/Sandy - I will never tell a soul that you, Mogi Yuiko, are seeing a tutor.

Junji/Jamie– Yu-chan... you're seeing a tutor?

Sen/Sandy- Oh, I'm so sorry, Mogi. I didn't see them sneaking up behind you.

Yuiko/Quinn- Um, yeah... I'm being tutored because of my last test score.

Jin /Joey- That's cool.

Jotaro /Jeffy- Hey, yeah.

Junji /Jamie- Awesome.

Yuiko/Quinn - Really?

Junji/Jamie- Hey, when school starts up again, could you help me with my homework?

Jin/Joey - No, me! I'm stupider than he is.

Jotaro/Jeffy – I'm confounded by the kanji in my name on a regular basis.

_(As the Three J's continue arguing, Sen/Sandy gives Yuiko/Quinn a dirty look; obviously, her little plan has backfired on her.)_

Sen/Sandy - Gee, I didn't realize being tutored provides you with an opportunity to help others. Maybe I should get a tutor.

Chizuru/Tiffany - Yeah... me, too.

Satsuki/Stacy - Oh, God, I think I need one, too.

_(Elsewhere, Daria and Tomohiro/Tom are standing next to the deck, while Kevin and Hitomi/Brittany are sitting on the stairs.)_

Kevin - Hey, there's Mogi with that guy who claims to be her brother. I'm going to trap him in his own web of lies.

Hitomi/Brittany- Oh, Kevin-chan, you're so... spidery!

Daria - It's been a lovely evening, but I think I'm ready to go home now. _(sees Kevin and Hitomi/Brittany approaching)_ But first, a word from the village idiots.

Hitomi/Brittany – Oh, Mogi-chan! Tsurugi-chan!

Daria - Hey.

Tomohiro/Tom – Tsurugi-chan? (7).

Kevin - Say there, um, Tsurugi. If you're Mogi's brother, how come we never saw you before this year?

Tomohiro/Tom - That should be obvious. They weren't able to match up our telltale birthmarks until now.

Kevin - Oh. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

Daria - I have something to tell you two. Tsurugi-kun isn't my brother. Which you should have guessed from the fact that we have different last names (8).

Kevin, suddenly confused - Really? I just thought that Tsurugi was his first name.

Daria - He's the mad scientist who built me. He has to hang around in case my internal organs fall out.

Hitomi/Brittany - Eww...!

Tomohiro/Tom - I'm her date.

Kevin - _(laughs)_ Good one, man.

Hitomi/Brittany - Wait a minute, Kevin-chan. He's serious. But how can you be dating both Mogi-chan _and_ Michi-Michi?

Tomohiro/Tom - Well, I'm no longer dating Michi-Michi.

Hitomi/Brittany - Oh. _(pause)_ Oh! Mogi-chan!

Daria - Um, will you excuse us for a while? We'll be back right after man walks on the sun. _(she takes Tomohiro/Tom's arm and drags him away)_

Hitomi/Brittany - Wow... Mogi-chan's dating her best friend's boyfriend.

Kevin - So then, whose brother is he?

_(Hitomi/Brittany frowns at Kevin, whose stupidity is exceeded by nothing)_

_(Shiori/Jodie walks down the stairs to the lawn just as Daria and Tomohiro/Tom approach)_

Shiori/Jodie- Hey, Daria. Thanks for coming. Tsurugi Tomohiro-kun, right? Michizawa-san's boyfriend?

Tomohiro/Tom - Actually, we're just friends now.

Shiori/Jodie - Oh, that's too bad. You guys were a cute couple. Any chance for a reconciliation?

Daria - Um, Shiori-san…Mt. Fuji just erupted (9) and Tsurugi-kun's here with me.

Shiori/Jodie - What? I mean... it didn't occur to me that, um... you know... _(Her father joins them)_ Dad! You remember Mogi Daria. And this is Tsurugi Tomohiro.

Father - Tsurugi? You're not Eiji-kun's boy, are you?

Tomohiro/Tom - As a matter of fact, yeah.

Father- Great guy. And how's your lovely mother, Keiko-san?

Tomohiro/Tom - You know my mother?

Father- I just had the pleasure. We're up for membership at Tobaki and she's on the board. Forget politics. _That's_ power. _(laughs)_

_(Tomohiro/Tom simply stands there, unsure of how to respond. Daria and Shiori/Jodie, however, know exactly how: they're embarrassed.)_

1. "Uncle"

2. "Big Sister"

3. Polite Japanese phrase for answering the phone.

4. Literally, "Despair World". Not as alliterative as the English, but I felt it appropriate.

5. "Big Brother"

6. The Japanese love festivals, and may during the summer take place at night with lanterns and yukata robes at a shrine.

7. The childish honorific "Chan" is usually used to denote closeness or cuteness, but Hitomi/Brittany isn't really all that close to Tomohiro/Tom/ She's just doing it to be cute.

8. Thus far in the story, in keeping with Japanese language traditions, Kevin has been referring to Tomohiro/Tom by his family name "Tsurugi" and not his first name.

9. A uniquely Japanese saying in the vein of "when pigs fly".


	5. Chapter 5

_**SCENE 21 –RESTAURANT NOT FAR FROM OTOSE'S MANGA WORKSHOP**_

_(Jane/Michiko and Allison/Arisa enter the dining room. Each is carrying a tray of food.)_

Jane/Michiko- I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Allison/Arisa- You can't eat in your room forever. Why be a manga assistant if you're not going to mingle with your fellow artists?

Jane/Michiko- That's like saying why go to Senkanjima (1) if you're not going to... I think I'll stop there.

Allison/Arisa - Come on, I know they'll warm up to you if you give them a chance.

Jane/Michiko- Um, are we by any chance conversing across parallel dimensions?

Allison/Arisa- I'll bet you dinner I'm right.

Jane/Michiko- You're on, sucker.

_(The girls approach the table where Matsue/Paris, Chie/Jett, and some unidentified guy are sitting.)_

Allison/Arisa- Mind if we join you?

Jett/Chie- Not at all.

Allison/Arisa- How's everyone liking the colony so far?

Jett/Chie- I love it. It's so... freeing.

Paris/Matsue - And Otose-sama? That man is brilliant.

Jane/Michiko - Well, I don't know if Otose-sama's a genius.

Paris/Matsue- No offense, Michizawa-chan, but aren't you still in high school? You do realize that it takes more than just reading manga to know manga, right?

Jane/Michiko- Excuse me?

Allison/Arisa- Matsue-san, we all had to submit a portfolio to be accepted here. I'd say Michizawa knows quite a bit about manga.

Paris/Matsue- I'm sure you're right. I apologize. Are you guys ready to go?

_(the three bid their goodbyes to Jane/Michiko and Allison/Arisa as they get up and leave)_

Jane/Michiko - Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's save time and just roll around on gravel.

Allison/Arisa- Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.

Jane/Michiko - You owe me dinner.

_**SCENE 22 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(At the camp, the kids are painting in the activity room.)_

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - Remember, don't think about what you're doing, because I don't really want a painting from you. I want a painting from the child within.

Girl - It's so pretty out. Can't we go for a hike? Please?

_(the other kids join in and also plead to go outside)_

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei- Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very caring counselor if I let you run higgledy-piggledy through the poison ivy and ticks. One day there'll be time to explore the woods, after we explore ourselves.

_(all the kids sigh)_

Mr. Demartino/Temari-sensei- Well, well, Yosuke-kun. What have we _**here?**_ A football player? May I inquire _**why?**_

Josh/Yosuke- My child within wants to be a winner. Everyone knows football players are winners.

Mr. Demartino/Temari-sensei - I see. Obviously, your definition of a winner is a degenerate _**slacker**_ with pigskin for _**brains,**_ an _**unshakable**_ desire to _**sleep**_ through life, and a lifetime goal of excelling at _**anime trivia**_ contests while _**never, ever**_ doing any honest work of _**any kind!**_ Is that _**right?**_

_(Josh/Yosuke starts crying and runs away)_

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - Oh, my gosh. Satori-san, what happened?

Mr. Demartino/Temari-sensei- I, uh... Chiyosuke, I think I may have spoken too _**harshly**_ to a camper.

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - Oh, no. Was he traumatized?

Mr. Demartino/Temari-sensei - I'm no _**good**_ at working with young people! Why, oh, _**why**_ did I ever think I could?

_(all the other kids suddenly start cheering)_

Boy #1 – Yosuke-kun was the worst bully at camp.

Girl - I hate his child within.

Boy #2 - Hooray for Ojisan!

_(all the kids start cheering for "Satori-ojisan")_

Mr. Demartino/Temari-sensei - Oh... thank you, campers!

_(Meanwhile, Daria is watching in dismay as Link/Riku paints a horribly depressing picture: a dark, hunched-over figure standing in the rain next to a tree with no leaves.)_

_**SCENE 23 - THE GRIFFIN/KURIMOTO HOUSE**_

_(David Sorenson/Soujiro Daifuku is sitting with Sandy/Sen at the dining room table. Sandy/Sen doesn't look like she's having a very good time.)_

David/Daifuku-sensei - Okay, and now we come to the end of the shogunate. In 1867, Tokugawa Yoshinobu (2)…

Sandy/Sen- _(interrupting)_ Um, excuse me, is this going to take long? I still have a few accessories left to buy for my date tonight.

David/Daifuku-sensei - Well, look: The Japan Constitution wasn't written in a day, if you know what I mean.

Sandy/Sen - Good one. Might I suggest then that we finish this session in Harajuku?

David/Daifuku-sensei - _(frustrated)_ We're not going to Harajuku.

Sandy/Sen - You academics aren't very understanding of the pressures facing normal people. Nevertheless, if we leave now, I'll buy you a bitter melon crepe (3).

David/Daifuku-sensei - Forget it. I quit. _(picks up his books and leaves)_

Sandy/Sen- Geek.

_**SCENE 24 - THE BLUM-DECKLER/FURUDE HOUSE**_

_(This time, it's Tiffany/Chizuru that's under the gun, only Tiffany/Chizuru isn't annoyed. How could she be, when she's totally absorbed with holding a compact up to her face and applying makeup?)_

David/Daifuku-sensei- Natsume Souseki (4) was perhaps best known for his poignant novel entitled "I Am A Cat"...

Tiffany/Chizuru- Uh-huh...

David/Daifuku-sensei- A pseudo-werewolf story about his monthly transformation into a cat monster.

Tiffany/Chizuru- Uh-huh...

_(David/Daifuku grabs the compact out of her hand)_

Tiffany/Chizuru- Uh, why'd you do that?

David/Daifuku-sensei- Because I'm not here to watch you put on makeup.

Tiffany/Chizuru- But... I don't mind.

David/Daifuku- Well, I do. Now, _if_ you did your reading, you'll recall that Souseki was... what are you doing?

_(Tiffany/Chizuru is now checking her reflection in the lid from the rice cooker.)_

Tiffany/Chizuru- This lid is really shiny.

David/Daifuku-sensei- Later. _(picks up his backpack and leaves)_

_(For a few moments, Tiffany/Chizuru doesn't even pick up on the fact that David/Daifuku has left. Then...)_

Tiffany/Chizuru - _(finally turning around)_ Huh?

_**SCENE 25 - THE ROWE/ROKUMATSU HOUSE**_

_(It's Staci/Satsuki's turn now, just to make the set complete. Unlike Sandy/Sen and Tiffany/Chizuru, Staci/Satsuki actually seems to be trying.)_

David/Daifuku-sensei – And, in the end, Tokugawa Yoshinobu resigned as Emperor and handed his government influence over to Emperor Mutsuhito.

Staci/Satsuki-Mutsuhito? But I thought the end of the shogunate started the Meiji Era (5)...

_(David/Daifuku gets a look on his face: "You can't really be that stupid, can you?")_

Staci/Satsuki- _(upset)_ Oh, no... that's the look my mother always gets when I say something stupid. I'm such an idiot. I'll never get anywhere in life!

David/Daifuku-sensei - At least you're trying. Unlike Kurimoto-kun and Furude-kun, whom I had to drop. Now, the Meiji...

Staci/Satsuki - Wait - you dropped them?

David/Daifuku-sensei - Yup. The Meiji Era began...

Staci/Satsuki - Why didn't they tell me? I'm being shut out. I can't believe this is happening to me. I _knew_ this was going to happen to me. Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?

_(Staci/Satsuki runs off, crying, leaving David/Daifuku alone to wonder what the hell happened.)_

_**SCENE 26 – CABINET MINISTER SAKAMOCHI'S* OFFICE**_

_(Jodie/Shiori is sitting at a desk, slowly feeding piles of paperwork into a shredding machine as the phone rings.)_

Jodie/Shiori- Moshi moshi. Cabinet Minister Sakamochi's office. Hey! How's it going?

_(split-screen between Jodie/Shiori and Mac/Nakuro, who's still at his ramen cart)_

Mac/Nakuro- Terrible. You want to go to a movie tonight?

Jodie/Shiori - I have to pull a double shift at the crisis center.

Mac/Nakuro - You know, Golden Week's almost over and we haven't really done anything.

Jodie/Shiori - I know, but look at it this way. I'm wasting away the summer stuck inside all day. At least you get to walk around in your nice hat playing your little charumera.

Mac/Nakuro - Hey, you think it's funny that I have to do this?

Jodie/Shiori- Who said it was funny? _(the other line rings)_ I got to get this. I'll talk to you later. _(hangs up)_

Kids - We want ramen!

Mac/Nakuro- _(hangs up)_ Yeah... later.

_**SCENE 27 - THE MORGENDORFFER/MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Daria is alone in her room, reading a book, when the phone rings.)_

Quinn/Yuiko- _(shouting from off-screen)_ Onee-chan! It's Tsurugi-kun!

Daria - _(picks up phone)_ Moshi moshi?

Tom/Tomohiro - Hey, it's me. I was wondering what you're doing tonight.

Daria - Actually, I'm... not feeling that well.

_(split-screen between Daria and Tom/Tomohiro)_

Tom/Tomohiro - Still? Then can I bring you a bowl of soup? I'll even throw in a couple of goldfish crackers. Or real goldfish, if you prefer. I've still got most of the ones I won at the summer festival.

Daria - Thanks, but I'm kind of beat. I think I'll pass.

Tom/Tomohiro – Mogi-san... is everything all right?

Daria - Never better. I mean, except for this cold.

Tom/Tomohiro - You know I'm leaving for the cove soon, right? I won't see you until after Golden Week.

Daria - I know. That's not that long.

Tom/Tomohiro - All right. Call me if you feel like getting out, okay?

Daria - Sure.

_(As they hang up, Daria leans back and gets a "dammit, why is this happening to me?" look on her face.)_

Senkanjima (lit. Battleship Island) was a Japanese prison/shipyard where the people were kept in extremely poor working conditions.

The last Japanese shogun, who returned his political office and authority to the emperor in 1867, during the time of Restoration.

A popular Japanese "walking around" snack, consisting of a filling plopped into a cone-shaped folded crepe.

Natsume Souseki was a popular Japanese author who won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his post-war period works.

While the period itself was known as the Meiji Era, the leader himself was properly named Mutsuhito. Emperor Meiji was the name given to him posthumously.

*Free cookie for anyone who gets the "Sakamochi" reference. And have yourselves a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwaazy Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet and a solemn, dignified Ramadan!


	6. Chapter 6

_**SCENE 28 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill is talking to Riku/Link in his office. Riku/Link is obviously not happy to be there, but then, that's no different than what we've seen so far.)_

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill – Riku-san, I asked you to stop by because I've noticed you seem a little bit... subdued.

Riku/Link - I was gonna say miserable, but okay.

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Growing up is kind of like being a kite, isn't it? We want to fly, but we don't really trust ourselves to cut the parental string and soar with the birds. _(chuckles)_

Riku/Link - A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string. It blows around in the wind for a while and then crashes.

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Exactly. Just the way we...

Riku/Link - You might know that if you ever took us outside.

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, I...

Riku/Link - What _do_ you know? 'Cause it seems to me you spout out a lot of crap about loving ourselves, and that doesn't do any good to someone trying to figure out why his mother threw his father out for being a jerk and then went and married a bigger one.

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, that certainly sounds like something we can talk about...

Riku/Link - I don't _want_ to talk about it. I want to go to a _real_ camp where you run around all day doing stuff until you're too tired to think. Can we do that, "Ojisan"?

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Well, you see, Riku-san, much as I'd like to, we have to keep the other children's safety in mind.

Riku/Link - _(stands)_ That's what I thought. You don't _really_ care about making kids feel better.

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Of course I do!

Riku/Link - Okay, then I guess the problem is just that you suck at it. _(slams the door as he walks out)_

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - It'll be okay. That was just Riku-san's anger with himself talking. _(sobs quickly, then recovers)_

_(In the activity room, Daria is sitting with a couple of other kids when she spots Riku/Link storming angrily towards the exit.)_

Daria - Um, keep up the good work. _(she follows Riku/Link, catching up with him near the exit)_ Hey, everything okay?

Riku/Link - How can you stand this place?

Daria - Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards instead of the prisoners?

Riku/Link - Yeah. Right.

Daria - Look, you want to go for a walk?

RikuLink - _(sarcastically)_ Outside? That would be dangerous.

Daria - Tell you what. I won't say a word. It'll be just like going by yourself, except for the by-yourself part.

_(And with that, she opens the door and walks outside with Riku/Link.)_

_SCENE 29 – A ROTATING SUSHI RESTAURANT_

_(Michiko/Jane and Arisa/Alison are sitting at the conveyor belt, a tokkuri bottle of sake between them.)_

Arisa/Alison - God, I envy you, Michizawa. To have all that talent and focus at your age.

Michiko/Jane - Oh, come on.

Arisa/Alison - I wish I could be in high school again, knowing what I know now.

Michiko/Jane - A little perspective and you could sidestep all the torture, huh?

Arisa/Alison - No.

_(they both laugh and take a drink)_

Michiko/Jane - Hell, I'd trade places with you in a minute. You're doing exactly what I want to. Making it on your own as an artist.

Arisa/Alison - Trying to, anyway.

Michiko/Jane - Hey, you'll do it.

Arisa/Alison - So will you. Kampai.* _(they clink glasses)_ Little more?

Michiko/Jane - Why not?

Arisa/Alison - You and your future. Me and my so-called career. I guess we've each got something the other would love to have.

_(Michiko/Jane raises her drink while Arisa/Alison takes a drink from hers, all the while wearing a strange expression...)_

_**SCENE 30 - THE MOGI/MORGENDORFFER HOUSE**_

_(Jiro/Jake and Daria are sitting in the living room on opposite couches. Each is reading the paper as Erin/Helen walks into the room.)_

Erin/Helen - Daria? How are things at camp? _(pause)_ Daria?

Daria - Well, let's see. Tomorrow we're going to push the campers to their physical limits by having them make origami sculptures of their hearts**.

Jiro/Jake - Ha! A joke... right?

Daria - That's what I keep telling myself.

_(phone rings; Erin/Helen answers)_

Erin/Helen - Hello? Yes, this is Mogi Erin. Tsurugi-san? Oh, yes, hello!

_(split-screen between Erin/Helen and Keiko/Kay)_

Keiko/Kay - It's very nice to speak with you at last. I'm sorry we haven't met yet.

Erin/Helen - Oh, yes, I know.

Keiko/Kay - In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling. We're having a little benefit for the Urawa Art Museum*** we're calling the Starry Night Ball. Do you think you might like to attend? We could finally meet and do our bit for the arts.

Erin/Helen - The Starry Night Ball? What a wonderful idea. Without the arts, what distinguishes us from animals, right?

Daria - Well, let's see. Animals don't feel the need to suck up to wealthier animals.

Keiko/Kay - Wonderful. It's on May eighth, and tickets are a hundred thousand yen**** per couple. _(Erin/Helen's face falls to the floor)_ Or you can buy a table for 50,000, but please don't feel obligated to do that.

Erin/Helen - Um, did you say the eighth? Oh, dear, that's the weekend of the office retreat. Well, I'll check to be sure, but... yes, I'm sorry. It was nice speaking with you, too. Good-bye. _(hangs up)_ Whew...

Jiro/Jake - Damn it, Erin, I want to go to the ball!

Daria - Yes, why should your wicked stepsisters have all the fun?

Jiro/Jake - I mean to hobnob with all those rich people. Clients... money...

Erin/Helen - Jiro, the tickets are a hundred thousand yen

Jiro/Jake - A hundred thousand! Insensitive rich bastards! Don't they know some people have to work for a living?

Erin/Helen - Relax. I think she bought my excuse.

Daria and Jiro/Jake, in unison - Thank God.

Erin/Helen - Oh, dear... I hope they won't think we're cheap now.

Daria - Who cares what they think?

Erin/Helen - What's the matter with you?

Daria - _(stands)_ It's bad enough the rest of the town grovels at the feet of the Tsurugi family. Now I have to put up with it in my own home? _(leaves)_

Erin/Helen - Was I groveling?

Jiro/Jake - Was she joking?

_SCENE 31 DANIEL/OTOSE-SAMA'S ASSISTANT QUARTERS_

_(Michiko/Jane and Arisa/Alison are lounging on the floor in Arisa/Alison's cabin. Michiko/Jane is looking over a book of Arisa/Alison's rough sketches. Both are drinking more sake.)_

Michiko/Jane - These pastels are great, Sempai.

Arisa/Alison - Thanks. I wish the galleries felt the same way.

Michiko/Jane - They're nuts.

Arisa/Alison - I knew you'd get what I'm trying to do. Top that off?

Michiko/Jane - No, I'd better call it a night. I get cranky if I don't get my usual 12 hours. _(stands up)_

Arisa/Alison - Come on, it's still early. I'm sure we can find something to do to amuse ourselves.

Michiko/Jane - Well, that's where the whole sleeping thing factors in. _(yawns)_ I'll see you tomorrow. I'm exhausted. _(walks to the door)_

Arisa/Alison - I can't let you walk home in your condition. I'm going to have to insist that you lie down.

Michiko/Jane - No, really, I'm fine.

Arisa/Alison - _(puts her other arm around Michiko/Jane)_ I promise I'll make you coffee in the morning (5). Well, unless you're snoring.

Michiko/Jane - Thanks, but I... oh, God. _(backs off as she realizes what's going on)_

Arisa/Alison - What's the matter? I'm not your type?

Michiko/Jane - Um, Arisa-Sempai... I'm straight.

Arisa/Alison - Yeah, right. I don't think so.

Michiko/Jane - _(getting upset)_ I'm not gay.

Arisa/Alison - _(laughs)_ where have I heard that before? Wait a minute. Is this your first time with a girl? Well, no wonder you're nervous.

Michiko/Jane - Sempai... read my lips. I like guys.

Arisa/Alison - And hanging out with bisexuals in their bedrooms after they buy you dinner.

Michiko/Jane - Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And the dinner thing was settling a bet.

Arisa/Alison - Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight chicks.

Michiko/Jane - Listen, you've been really nice to me and all, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not interested in women.

Arisa/Alison - You mean you're not ready to admit it.

Michiko/Jane - I gotta go.

_(She high-tails it out of the cabin and rushes back to hers. As she closes the door, she leans on it with a stricken and confused look, as if she's been betrayed for the second time by someone she considered a friend.)_

_**SCENE 32 -PUBLIC POOL**_

_(Kevin is surveying his surroundings by looking through the mouthpiece of a bullhorn. Hitomi/Brittany is examining her hair, which is now a sickly shade of green!)_

Hitomi/Brittany - Eep!

Kevin - Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.

_(Hitomi/Brittany runs over to Kevin)_

Hitomi/Brittany – Kevin-chan, this is terrible! That icky pool water is turning my hair green!

Kevin - Wow, you really do have green hair. _(teasing)_ Ha, you totally look like an anime character!

Hitomi/Brittany – Grr! It's not funny, Kevin-chan!

Kevin – Nyoron! Tsuruya (6) in the house!

Hitomi/Brittany - Ooh...

Kevin – Nyoron, nyoron. _(Hitomi/Brittany stomps on his foot)_ Ow!

Hitomi/Brittany – BAKA (7)!

_(Hitomi/Brittany starts chasing Kevin around the pool and pummeling him, then shoves him into the water and does it some more. The other kids take the cue and start doing the same with each other until the head lifeguard blows her whistle to break things up.)_

Lifeguard - You two mess up one more time and you're fired.

_**SCENE 33 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(The campers, plus Daria and Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino, are sitting in a circle. In the center is Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill, who is trying to engage the students in yet another feel-good exercise.)_

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Now, everyone hold the hand of the person next to them while we all visualize the same word: "trust."

Kenta/Curtis - But we've been sitting inside all day. Can't we go out and play? Please?

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Now, Kenta-kun, we're listening to our souls.

_(the kids sigh)_

Boy – Satori-ojisan, can't you talk to him?

Girl - You're such a great counselor.

Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino - Um, Chiyosuke-ojisan... perhaps Kenta-kun has a _**point.**_ Maybe frolicking _**outdoors**_ would offer a refreshing _**counterpoint**_ to sitting in a circle like a quilting bee of shut-ins!

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill – Satori-san, please. You're supposed to be setting an example. Besides, quilting can be very therapeutic. _(alarm beeping)_ Now... oops. Time for my Echinacea. I'll be back in a jiffy. Now everyone, hold hands and feel the warmth. _(walks away)_

_(The kids reluctantly take each others' hand. A grumbling Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino does the same, only to find that his are now smeared with wasabi.)_

Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino - Argh! Wasabi! Sitting in circles... arts and crafts... **cruel and unusual... **_**hell!**_ I can't take it anymore!

_(Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino runs over to the sink and rips it out of the wall with a grunt, then flings it through the nearest plate-glass window.)_

Temari-Sensei/Mr. DeMartino - I'm going on a hike! _(climbs out the window)_

_(all the kids - except Riku/Link - cheer and follow him out the window)_

Daria - _(to Riku/Link)_ Come on. Even _I'll_ admit that was mildly amusing.

Riku/Link - Whatever.

Daria - Look, for what it's worth, when I was your age, I, um... had this friend who was kind of like you. The only people she liked were the ones in manga, and she spent most of her time in her room convinced the world had been quietly taken over by a race of idiot space aliens.

Riku/Link - And then one day your "friend" grew out of it and went on to make many more friends, and now her life is one big bowl of cherries.

Daria - Okay. Bad example. But _maybe_ things would have been a little easier for my friend if she hadn't kept everything bottled up inside. You know, if she'd had someone to talk to.

Riku/Link - Or maybe "she" did try talking, and the people just told her to shut up, or paid someone else to deal with her because they were too busy "listening to their souls."

Daria - You think that's what's happening to you?

Riku/Link - Hey, look around, Oneechan. Everybody's so busy being their own best friend, maybe they should try buddying up to the people they brought into the damn world, who never asked to be born.

Daria - Oh.

_(uncomfortable pause)_

Riku/Link - So, what manga does your "friend" like to read, anyway?

Daria - Well, let's see. When she was 12, she was really into Hideshi Hino (8)...

_(Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill suddenly arrives, proving that he has the absolute worst possible timing of anyone on the planet.)_

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill – Mogi-kun! Riku-san! Having a little one-on-one session?

Daria - Yes, and so by definition, it can't include...

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill – Oh, Mogi-kun, I knew you could do it! See? It's easier to "rap" with Daria-neechan than with me, isn't it? A teen who's closer to your own age. But I'm just as concerned as she is about your well-being.

_(Riku/Link turns and gives Daria a look of betrayal)_

Riku/Link - I should have known. _(leaves)_

Daria - Hey, wait...

Oishi-Sensei/Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Did I say something wrong? _(Daria simply glares at him, then leaves)_ Oh, my. What happened to the window? Um... where'd everybody go?

*"Cheers."

**Where American children learn motor skills through coloring books, Japanese children learn through origami paper folding.

***An actual museum in Urawa, the capital city of the Saitama prefecture where our story takes place.

****One hundred yen is more or less equal to one dollar.

5. Based on a typical Japanese come-on line, whose meaning is pretty roundabout. "How would you like to have coffee with me tomorrow morning?" more or less equates to "Will you sleep with me?"

6. Tsuruya is a minor character in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya whose catchphrases are "Nyoron" and "Megas".

7. An all-purpose term in Japanese, "baka" originally means "stupid" or "idiot", but it can be used to mean "jerk" and the like as well.

8. A famous author of Japanese horror manga focusing mainly on the grotesque.


	7. Chapter 7

_**SCENE 34 - THE MORGENDORFFER/MOGI HOUSE**_

_(David/Soujiro and Quinn/Yuiko are at the kitchen table, in the midst of another tutoring session)_

David/Soujiro - But when the workers stormed the Bastille, they only found seven prisoners, and one of them was the Marquis de Sade.

Quinn/Yuiko - Eww.

David/Soujiro- That's more or less the way they felt.

Quinn/Yuiko - Did Marie Antoinette really have the champagne glasses molded after her... you know? _(giggles)_

David/Soujiro - We really should be focusing more on the politics of the Revolution, but that's what they say. If she'd been a different body type, we'd be drinking champagne out of bowls.

_(they both laugh as Helen/Erin and Jake/Jiro enter the room)_

Helen/Erin – Daifuku-sensei, I must say I'm quite impressed. I've never seen our Yui have so much fun studying.

Quinn/Yuiko - That's because in school they only teach you the really boring stuff. Mom? Dad? Did you know Marie Antoinette never said "let them eat cake?" That expression comes from a story about a princess, written by Rousseau. Right?

David/Soujiro - Right.

Jake/Jiro - Lousy tabloids.

_(uncomfortable pause)_

Helen/Erin - We've got to run. Bye.

Jake/Jiro - _(offscreen)_ Wait... um, I was joking.

Helen/Erin - _(offscreen)_ You were not.

Jake/Jiro - _(offscreen)_ I know.

Quinn/Yuiko - Was Marie Antoinette pretty?

David/Soujiro - They said she was a great beauty. Of course, you won't find a lot of people willing to call their absolute monarch butt-ugly.

Quinn/Yuiko - Sensei, do you think... I'm pretty?

David/Soujiro - Sure.

Quinn/Yuiko - By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre? Because it's really nice if you ever wanted to take me there. And it would be kind of educational, since we're studying French history and stuff.

David/Soujiro - Thanks, but you don't want to be seen around town with an egghead. Your friends would behead you. _(looks at watch)_ Well, that's about it for today. _(gathers his backpack and stands)_ Now, be sure to read the chapter on the Industrial Revolution, and don't forget your vocabulary words. I'll be back for more pedagogy next week. _(silence)_ Mogi-kun? Pedagogy? That's one of the words. _(leaves)_

Quinn/Yuiko - Yeah. Pedagogy.

_**SCENE 35 – Otose-sama's Manga Studio**_

_(Everyone is painting in the common room, with Daniel Dotson/Otose-sama critiquing each assistant's work)_

Daniel/Otose - _(to Jet/Chie)_ Excellent. The brushwork is very confident, and I love the strained, almost antagonistic relationship with shadow. Really, you remind me of myself when I was young.

Jet/Chie - Oh, Sensei. You're not old.

Daniel/Otose - Well, I'm certainly young... at heart.

Jane/Michiko - Not to mention delusional of mind.

_(Jane/Michiko puts down her brush and walks away. On the page, we see a dark sketch of a woman trapped inside a small safe, screaming in frustration. The woman bears a remarkable similarity to Jane/Michiko. __Outside, Jane/Michiko and Alison/Arisa approach from different directions)_

Alison/Arisa - Hey.

Jane/Michiko - Hey.

Alison/Arisa - Haven't seen you around.

Jane/Michiko - Oh, you know, the solitary artist. Look, I gotta be honest. That whole thing that happened between - I mean, didn't happen - well, it kind of confused me.

Alison/Arisa - Me, too. Maybe I was hoping a little too hard and saw something that wasn't there.

Jane/Michiko - But you said you never make a mistake in that, um... area.

Alison/Arisa - There's a first time for everything. Still want to be friends?

Jane/Michiko - Sure.

_(Alison/Arisa goes to hug Jane/Michiko, who backs off slightly)_

Alison/Arisa - Um, maybe we'll skip the hug.

_(Jane/Michiko sees Daniel Dotson/Otose-sama approach)_

Jane/Michiko - Uh-oh... don't look now, but it's Takeshi Obaka (1).

Daniel/Otose - _(to Alison/Arisa)_ Ready?

Alison/Arisa - Just a minute.

Daniel/Otose - I'll wait for you in the car. _(pinches her butt before walking off)_

Jane/Michiko - You're seeing _him?_

Alison/Arisa - He's not so bad once you get to know him.

Jane/Michiko - You said he went through more students than tubes of paint. You can't possibly think he gives a damn about you.

Alison/Arisa - Who's looking for romance? I just want to have a little fun.

Jane/Michiko - And if it's with someone who can introduce you to a few gallery owners, that's not so bad either, eh? I think I'm beginning to see how the art world works.

Alison/Arisa - God, high school. It's all such a big deal with you guys. You take everything so seriously. _(leaves)_

Jane/Michiko - Like someone telling you you give off gay vibes just because they're trying to get into your pants.

_**SCENE 36 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"**_

_(It's the last day of camp, and the kids are gathered around the front as Mr. O'Neil/Oishi-senseil gives a good-bye speech.)_

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - Well, campers, before you go, let's take a moment to reflect on the valuable lessons we've learned about ours...

Boy - Let Satori-Ojisan talk!

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - ...um, about ourselves and the growth that only we can...

Girl - Ojisan! He's cool!

_(kids clamor for 'Satori-Ojisan")_

Mr. DeMartino/Temari-sensei - Thank you, campers. Remember: if you feel yourself getting mad, _**go ahead!**_ If someone's doing something to irritate you, _**tell them about it in detail!**_ And hike... _**whenever you feel like it!**_

_(the kids cheer)_

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - I... I guess maybe I've been doing more harm than good...

Mr. DeMartino/Temari-sensei - _(embraces Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei)_ _**Thank you,**_ Chiyosuke. You've _**reawakened**_ my hunger to enlighten. I want to _**teach**_ again!

Mr. O'Neill/Oishi-sensei - Ooh... um, that hurts a bit. _(laughs nervously)_

_(Daria approaches Link/Rinku as he heads for the bus)_

Daria - Hey, slow down.

Link/Rinku - Go to hell!

Daria - Just hear me out. Oishi-sensei didn't ask me to speak to you, and I would never tell him anything anyway, except my name, rank and homeroom number.

Link/Rinku - Yeah, right.

Daria - Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing - probably because I've never done this kind of thing - but if you ever need someone to talk to, um... I'm around.

Link/Rinku - I don't need anyone to talk to. Especially you.

_(Link/Rinku walks away, leaving behind a very dejected Daria)_

_**SCENE 37 - THE MORGENDORFFER/MOGI HOUSE**_

_(The doorbell rings. Helen/Erin opens the door and finds Tom/Tomohiro standing on the stoop.)_

Helen/Erin – Tsurugi-kun! Come in. Daria! Tsurugi-kun's here to see you. Jiro and I are so sorry we won't be able to make the museum benefit. Normally we love museums. In fact, we were thinking of seeing the Jomon Era pottery exhibit this week.

Tom/Tomohiro - Um, that exhibit left a year ago.

Helen/Erin - Oh... _(chuckles nervously)_

_(outside, Daria and Tom/Tomohiro head down the walk towards his car)_

Tom/Tomohiro - Well, at least you can be confident your mother's not addicted to sedatives.

Daria - Hey, she didn't ask to be invited to that stupid fund-raiser.

Tom/Tomohiro - My mother was just trying to be nice. A lot of people like going to those things.

Daria – Sure: helping the little people while avoiding contact with them at all cost.

Tom/Tomohiro - Um, is something wrong?

Daria - No.

Tom/Tomohiro - Come on. I had to beg you to come out tonight, and then the first thing you do is jump down my throat. What's going on?

Daria - I don't know. It's the museum. And the country club. And your family. You know, your whole elitist world.

Tom/Tomohiro - It's not elitist. And it's not _my_ world.

Daria - Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Haruka tomorrow when you get to your island resort. And be sure not to mention _me_ to her, okay?

Tom/Tomohiro - What?

Daria - It's obvious you don't want me mixing with your family, since you didn't ask me to the fund-raiser or the fireworks display.

Tom/Tomohiro – Mogi-san, I didn't invite you to those things because I sure as hell didn't want to go and I assumed you wouldn't either. Right?

Daria - Well, you still should have asked.

Tom/Tomohiro - You're right.

Daria - Unless you just assumed your parents were gonna hate me.

Tom/Tomohiro - What? What are you talking about? My parents think you're great. They know you're really smart and headed for college and stuff. It's not like you're Michi-Michi.

Daria - What do you mean, "not like I'm Michi-Michi?" She's smart.

Tom/Tomohiro - _(oops!)_ Yeah, _I_ know she's smart. But she could go to Tokyo U (2) or spend the rest of her days painting tiles, and her parents wouldn't care either way. If _we_ did that, our parents would have a fit.

Daria - So what you're saying is Michi-Michi isn't up to your family's standards. God, you're a snob.

Tom/Tomohiro - Damn it, Mogi-san! Quit trying to pick a fight with me!

Daria - Excuse me?

Tom/Tomohiro - You attack my mother for inviting your parents to the fund-raiser, and then attack me for not inviting you. You say my family disapproves of you, I say they relate to you better than Michi-Michi, and now I'm a snob.

Daria - Forgive me for being a loyal friend.

Tom/Tomohiro - Why don't you say what you're _really_ afraid of: the idea that you might actually start caring about someone. 'Cause that would make you vulnerable.

Daria - Look, maybe we just jumped into this dating stuff too fast. Maybe we need to take a break.

Tom/Tomohiro - A break? From _what?_ We haven't _done_ anything! Come on, Mogi-san! _(Daria doesn't respond)_ I don't believe this. _(still nothing)_ Well, I'm not going to stand here and beg. _(nope, nothing)_ Fine. Nice knowing you. _(gets into his car, pounds once on the steering wheel, and drives away)_

Daria - _(sadly)_ Yeah, nice knowing you.

_**SCENE 38 - DEPARTMENT STORE**_

_(the Fashion Club is browsing in the Junior 5 section)_

Sandi/Sen - Gee, Mogi, it's sweet of you to take time out from your studies to be with the friends you've neglected all summer.

Quinn/Yuiko - Oh, Sempai, I just wish I were as smart as you so I wouldn't need a tutor. You know, Daifuku-sensei's kind of funny.

Sandi/Sen - If by funny you mean extraordinarily unpleasant, I agree completely. That's why I was forced to terminate his services.

Tiffany/Chizuru - Otaku.

Stacy/Satsuki - I know! And so... geeky!

Quinn/Yuiko - But he said...

Sandi/Sen - Yes?

Quinn/Yuiko - Nothing. I guess he is a little geeky, although I wouldn't be surprised if some people thought he was cute, you know, in that brainy kind of way.

Sandi/Sen - Mogi? Are you trying to tell us something?

Quinn/Yuiko - Me? Oh, no, of course not! Ooh, look! Intermediate markdowns!

_(The distraction works, as the others scramble over to the marked-down clothes.)_

_**SCENE 39 - THE MORGENDORFFER/MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Daria is alone in her room, laying on the bed and second-guessing her second-guesses about Tom/Tomohiro)_

Daria - Of course I did the right thing. He's from his world, I'm from mine. Never would have worked. I mean, unless I tried or something.

_(Quinn/Yuiko enters the room, holding a copy of something)_

Quinn/Yuiko - Here's your book.

Daria - Um, that's not mine.

Quinn/Yuiko - Oh, right. I borrowed it from Daifuku-sensei. Um, what do you think of him?

Daria - Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously has a high threshold for pain. Why?

Quinn/Yuiko- No reason. Do you think he's... cute?

Daria - Well, I suppose in that not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.

Quinn/Yuiko - Yeah...

Daria - I know you may find this hard to believe, but looks aren't everything.

Quinn/Yuiko - Really?

Daria - See, there's this thing called personality? There's also liking the same things, having a similar sense of humor, being able to have five-minute conversations without boring the living hell out of each other...

Quinn/Yuiko - Like you and Tsurugi-san.

Daria - Did I mention Tsurugi-kun?

Quinn/Yuiko - Well, who else would you be talking about? You're obviously very compatible.

Daria - How would _you_ know?

Quinn/Yuiko – Oneechan (3), up until recently dating has been my major field of study!

Daria - Well, you've never met his family.

Quinn/Yuiko - You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by... blech! Got to go. _(leaves)_

Daria - That's it. Must... contact... intelligent... life. _(picks up phone and dials)_

_(at the manga studio dorm, Jane/Michiko is sketching on her pad when Anais/Hanako reaches up to her bunk)_

Anaise/Hanako - Hey. Call.

_(Jane/Michiko picks up the phone)_

Jane/Michiko – Moshi moshi?

_(split-screen between Jane/Michiko and Daria)_

Daria - Hope you don't mind that I called.

Jane/Michiko - Daria!

Daria - How are things going?

Jane - Fine, fine, fine. Couldn't be better.

Daria - Sucks, huh?

Jane/Michiko - Only in a mind-numbingly pretentious kind of way.

Daria - Do you think, um, a familiar face might cheer you up?

Jane/Michiko - What do you mean? Like floating in space over the bed, saying my name over and over again in a creepy voice?

Daria – Michi-Michi...

Jane/Michiko - Look, I don't really feel like any visitors right now. It's nothing personal.

Daria - Wait...

Jane/Michiko - I don't want to talk about it, okay? Nothing you could say can change that.

_(pause)_

Daria - I'll pay you.

Jane/Michiko - _(laughs)_ Aniki (4) was going to drop by on his way to a gig. Maybe you can hitch a ride. They can always use an extra person to push.

_(Daria lets out a small smile)_

To be continued…

A play on Death Note, Bakuman and Blue Dragon manga artist Takeshi Obata. Baka means stupid or idiot.

Tokyo University is the most prestigious school in Japan.

An informal and close way of saying "Big sister"

An informal and close way of saying "Big brother"

*Script is courtesy of Outpost Daria


	8. Chapter 8

_**SCENE 40 - SAITAMA PUBLIC POOL**_

_(Kevin and Brittany/Hitomi are teaching a class on pool safety)_

Kevin - Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth regurgitation. Ready, babe?

Brittany/Hitomi - Ready!

_(Kevin bends down and breathes into Brittany/Hitomi's mouth)_

Kevin - Did you see how I pinched her nose to, like keep the air from getting out? I could just stick my fingers up there, but who knows what...

Brittany/Hitomi - Oh, Kevin-chan!

_(And with that, Brittany/Hitomi grabs Kevin behind the neck and they start making out, right in front of the shocked kids. Just then, the head lifeguard shows up and blows her whistle, scattering the kids.)_

Lifeguard - Peep show's over! Everyone scram! Hey, Romeo and Juliet... _(blows whistle)_

Kevin - Ow!

Lifeguard - You're fired!

_**SCENE 41 - SAITAMA STREET**_

_(Mack/Nakuro is in his ramen, catering to bratty kids as usual)_

Mack/Nakuro - Here you go.

Girl - It's about time!

Boy #1 - I want kitsune udon!

Boy #2 - Hey, I was here first!

Boy #1 - Shut up, you jerk!

Girl - This is awful!

_(Kevin and Brittany/Hitomi approach the truck, still dressed in their swimsuits and whistles)_

Mack/Nakuro - What are _you_ doing here?

Brittany/Hitomi - Oh, Nakuro-chan, something terrible happened!

Mack/Nakuro - It's okay. The sun isn't really gone. It's just hiding behind the clouds.

Brittany/Hitomi - No! We got fired!

_(Mack/Nakuro suddenly gets a calculating look on his face...)_

_**SCENE 42 - THE HIGHWAY**_

_(Trent/Toshimichi is driving the Tank into the countryside, Daria is riding shotgun, and the other band members are sacked out in back)_

Daria - Aniki... does it ever bother you that the speedometer is stuck at ten miles per hour?

Trent/Toshimichi - Hmm... ten. That reminds me. Time for dinner.

_(Trent/Toshimichi momentarily loses control as he pulls a candy bar out of his back pocket, sending the Tank swerving back and forth on the highway)_

Daria - Just for the record, the police generally don't like it when you drive on the wrong side of the road.

Trent/Toshimichi - Tell me about it. _(offers Daria a bit of the candy bar)_

Daria - No, thanks. Um... how's Michi-Michi been doing?

Trent/Toshimichi - Oh. Okay.

Daria - I haven't talked to her much this summer.

Trent/Toshimichi - Well, you know. The Tsurugi thing.

Daria - Look, we...

Trent/Toshimichi - Hey, Michi knows you guys didn't mean to hurt her. She'll come around. Trust me.

Daria - Yeah. Thanks, Aniki.

Trent/Toshimichi - _(singing)_ "Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back. Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on the rack. Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the... thrown out of the..."

Daria - Pack?

Trent/Toshimichi - _(singing)_ "Thrown out of the pack. Betrayal... betrayal, yeah. Betrayal... betrayal... betrayal, yeah..."

_(Daria glances out the side window; this isn't what she needs to hear right now)_

_**SCENE 43 - THE MOGI HOUSE**_

_(David/Daifuku-sensei and Quinn/Yuiko are at the kitchen table, in another tutoring session)_

Quinn/Yuiko - ... and that's how Randolph Hearst's yellow journalism helped get the U.S. into the American-Spanish War.

David/Daifuku-sensei - Close enou...

Quinn/Yuiko - The Spanish-American War.

David/Daifuku-sensei - You know, I had my doubts at first... serious doubts. But you've come a long way, Yuiko-chan. You should be very proud of yourself.

Quinn/Yuiko - Thanks. Um, are _you_ proud of me?

David/Daifuku-sensei - Of course. _(puts his book into his backpack)_ And I want you to drop me a line at school and let me know how you're doing in class.

Quinn/Yuiko - Sensei?

David/Daifuku-sensei - Yes?

Quinn/Yuiko - Um... I like you.

David/Daifuku-sensei - I like you, too.

Quinn/Yuiko - No, I mean I "like" like you.

David/Daifuku-sensei - _("now I get it")_ Oh. Look...

Quinn/Yuiko - I mean, I never thought I could really "like" like someone who wasn't, you know, really cute - not that you're uncute - but you know what I mean. You don't try to be cute. Not that I would ever try to make you try to be cute.

David/Daifuku-sensei - _(after a moment of trying to figure that one out)_ Right.

Quinn/Yuiko - Well? We can probably get in at least two dates before you go off to college.

David/Daifuku-sensei - Look, Mogi-kun (1), it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type.

Quinn/Yuiko - But I already told you! I don't care what you look like.

David/Daifuku-sensei – Mogi-kun, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has - how can I put this? - a certain amount of depth.

Quinn/Yuiko - But I know stuff now!

David/Daifuku-sensei - Yes, but why did you want to know stuff? So you'd be able to get into a party school. Talk about a lack of self-esteem.

Quinn/Yuiko - I have tons of self-esteem! I esteem myself more than anybody!

David/Daifuku-sensei - _(stands)_ When it comes to appearance, but not in any areas that count. Look at the losers you hang out with. No chance of feeling stupid around them.

Quinn/Yuiko - Losers? But the whole reason I even thought of getting tutored was I knew I could do better on the mock tests than them.

David/Daifuku-sensei - Than _they._ And I'm glad to hear that. It means you're starting to understand your potential.

Quinn/Yuiko - So...?

David/Daifuku-sensei – Mogi-kun, you and I are in two different places, way too far apart to go out. You'd hate it, believe me. But it's a real big compliment. Keep studying and good luck. _(leaves)_

Quinn/Yuiko - Yeah... good luck. _(hangs her head in disappointment)_

_**SCENE 44 – OTOSE'S COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS**_

_(the Tank pulls into the compound; Trent/Toshimichi is still singing)_

Trent/Toshimichi - _(singing)_ "Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life. Betrayal, yeah, you're twisting the knife..."

Daria - Aniki!

Trent/Toshimichi - Huh?

Daria - That's not helping.

Trent/Toshimichi - Oh. Sorry. Um, you know how it is. Inspiration.

_(Trent/Toshimichi parks the Tank, and they both glance at the sleeping trio in back)_

Trent/Toshimichi - We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake 'em up just right or they get all disoriented.

Daria - How can you tell?

Trent/Toshimichi - _(laughs/coughs)_ You're funny, Daria.

_(they start walking towards Michiko/Michiko's cabin, Daria carrying a duffel bag)_

Trent/Toshimichi - Anyway, don't go crazy over this Tsurugi stuff. Even Michi said you make a good couple.

Daria - You mean _made._ We're not going out anymore.

Trent/Toshimichi - Really? Why?

_(they arrive at the cabin; Trent/Toshimichi knocks on the door)_

Daria - A lot of stuff. Mainly I got weirded out by his family.

Trent/Toshimichi - But you weren't dating _them_.

_(Jane/Michiko opens the door and sees Trent/Toshimichi and Daria standing there)_

_(in her loft, Jane/Michiko is showing Daria her paintings; they're dark and harrowing, suggesting the state of mind of someone who's not having a very good time)_

Jane/Michiko - Someday the curators will look back on these and say they're from my "art colonies suck" period.

Daria - Curators?

Jane/Michiko - Criminologists?

Daria - You know, when it comes to art, you and Rinku have a lot in common. I'd introduce you, if he didn't loathe every fiber of my being.

Jane/Michiko - This Rinku situation really bothers you, huh?

Daria - Serves me right for breaking my cardinal rule and trying to reach out to a lost soul.

Jane/Michiko - Any kid who looks to you for nurturing is more than just lost.

Daria - _(frowns)_ Gee, thanks.

Jane/Michiko - Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

_**SCENE 45 - SAITAMA HOMELESS SHELTER**_

_(Jodie/Shiori is dishing out soup)_

Homeless Man - This soup bites!

Jodie/Shiori - Then don't have a fourth bowl.

_(Mack/Nakuro walks up to Jodie/Shiori; his hands are behind his back)_

Jodie/Shiori – Nakuro-kun! _(to her co-worker)_ I'm going to take five.

_(Mack/Nakuro and Jodie/Shiori sit at a table; he hands her a bouquet of roses)_

Mack/Nakuro - These are for you.

Jodie/Shiori - Aw... that's sweet. I've missed you so much.

Mack/Nakuro - Wow. I got to buy you flowers more often. Anyway, I got them to celebrate. I quit my job yesterday.

Jodie/Shiori - Oh, Nakuro-kun... Golden Week's not even over. And it was such a piece of cake.

Mack/Nakuro - Piece of cake? Working in a dirty, cramped ramen cart all day for minimum wage? What would you know about it with your glamour jobs and your golf lessons?

Jodie/Shiori - What's the matter with you? I'm on _your_ side, remember?

Mack/Nakuro - I'm sorry. It's just... wearing that white suit, serving those little brats... it's just not the way I thought my week would go.

Jodie/Shiori - Hey, you owed your father some money. You were doing the stand-up thing and trying to pay him back. No big deal, you'll find another way.

Mack/Nakuro - I paid him back a week ago.

Jodie/Shiori - Oh! So how come you didn't quit then?

Mack/Nakuro - I wanted to make a little more money so I could take you out for dinner at Chez Pierre.

Jodie/Shiori - Oh, Nakuro-kun, that place is so expensive.

Mack/Nakuro - I can afford it... for once.

Jodie/Shiori - I don't need Chez Pierre when I have a guy like you. _(hugs his arm)_ Wait a minute. Who's working the ramen cart?

_(we now see who's handling the cart: it's Kevin and Brittany/Hitomi)_

Brittany/Hitomi - That'll be... 160 (2) yen. _(takes money)_ Babe, how much change do I give back?

Kevin - Um, let's see, 160 minus 500 is 440.

Girl - But I gave you 500.

Kevin - Right. 540!

_(the kids look at each other, and each has the same thought: "we've struck paydirt!")_

Boy - I'll have a miso ramen with a boiled egg.

Kevin - Let's see, that's 1,000 yen, so I owe you...

Boy – 1200.

Kevin - Right!

_(all the kids start clamoring for ramen; you get the feeling that Kevin and Brittany/Hitomi aren't going to be making much money)_

_**SCENE 46 - THE CLUB GLAMOUR LOUNGE**_

_(This is where Mystik Spiral is playing: a seedy-looking bar that's barely one step above Saitama's grunge club, the Zon. Daria and Jane/Michiko are in attendance.)_

Jane/Michiko - The guys here are a lot better-looking in person than on their wanted posters.

Daria - Now I understand why people go to the bathroom in groups.

Jane/Michiko - Don't worry... I promise not to meet a new boyfriend and leave you alone between sets. I've learned my lesson.

Daria - Okay... speaking of Tsurugi-kun, I guess you heard we broke up.

Jane/Michiko - I don't read the papers, remember?

Daria - I thought Aniki might have said something.

Jane/Michiko - Nope.

Daria - Questions, comments?

Jane/Michiko - Please tell me you're not trying to get my sympathy after blowing me off for my now ex-boyfriend.

_(Jane/Michiko heads to the bar; Daria follows)_

Daria - You mean _he_ blew _you_ off for _me._ Although if you recall, that's not the way it happened.

Jane/Michiko - No, I meant _you_ blew _me_ off for _him._ You wanted to go out with him regardless of what it did to our friendship.

Daria - Hey! _You_ stopped talking to _me,_ remember? After _you_ broke up with _him_ and said you didn't care if _I_ dated him.

Jane/Michiko - And you believed me?

Daria - I'm confused. What are we fighting about here?

Jane/Michiko - We're fighting about _you,_ Mogi Daria, being dumb enough to think a boyfriend is worth screwing up a really good friendship for. A really important friendship.

Daria - _(genuine remorse)_ I'm sorry if I did that. Um, I really missed you this summer.

Jane/Michiko - _(genuine forgiveness)_ Well, I really missed you, too. Only don't ask me to sleep over.

Daria - Huh?

Jane/Michiko - Nothing. _(sees Trent/Toshimichi approaching, and goes into full "tease mode")_ Oh, hey, Aniki? I meant to tell you. You guys have a gig tonight.

Daria - _(joining in)_ You better start soon or you'll miss your next break.

Jane/Michiko - Unless you take your next break now.

Daria - In which case you better take it on stage. They'll never think of looking for you there.

Jane/Michiko - And while you're up there, maybe you could play something. Oh, wait, that's what they're paying you for. Never mind.

Trent/Toshimichi - You guys are weird. _(heads back to the stage)_

Jane/Michiko - So what'd you miss most about me? It was my _joie de vivre,_ wasn't it?

Daria - If you really want to know, it was your damn aura.

Jane/Michiko - Wow, you _did_ spend the summer with Oishi-sensei.

Daria - I mean your aura of confidence. I drifted through summer in a perpetual identity crisis, questioning everything I said and did.

Jane/Michiko - That's funny, 'cause I...

Daria - And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Michizawa Michiko.

Jane/Michiko - Being Michizawa Michiko's what I do best.

Daria - Precisely. You know exactly who you are, and nobody's ever going to con you into thinking you don't. I wish I'd had you around just as a role model.

Jane/Michiko - You know, you're absolutely right about me.

Daria - Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?

Jane/Michiko - Please do.

_(suddenly, feedback emerges from the speakers as Trent/Toshimichi takes the microphone)_

Trent/Toshimichi - Hey. We're Mystik Spiral. And this one's for Daria and Michiko.

Daria - I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful."

Jane/Michiko - Oh, please make it "Close to You."

Mystik Spiral _(singing)_ - "When the aliens come, when the death rays hum, when the bummers bum, we'll still be freakin' friends! When the whip comes down, when they nuke the town, when dead clowns can't clown, we'll still be freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends..."

_(Daria and Jane/Michiko glance at each other, their friendship healed... then both girls glance at the ceiling at yet another Mystik Spiral "masterpiece.")_

After their initial closeness, David/Daifuku-sensei changes honorifics and naming here, going from "Yuiko-chan" to "Mogi-kun", even more subtly indicating that he wants to keep things professional and not romantic.

These amounts should be pretty close to those in the original, given the current [as of 2012] exchange rates between Dollars and Yen.

Final chapter ahead! Transcript courtesy of Outpost Daria


	9. Chapter 9

And now, the exciting conclusion!

_**SCENE 47 – Daniel/Otose-sama's Studio**_

_(Daria and Jane/Michiko are heading for the Tank. Daria is discussing her situation with Tom/Tomohiro.)_

Daria - I just couldn't get past all that upper-crustiness. I felt like the poor cousin in a Henry James novel. You know, someone to be tolerated until she gets run over by a horse and buggy.

Jane/Michiko - Yeah, the Tsurugi family definitely comes from the land of the Muffys. But it's not like they're jerks or anything. I just ignored the money and concentrated on the incredibly well-stocked refrigerator.

Daria - Yeah. Look, why don't you just come back with us?

Jane/Michiko - I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass notion about seeing this through, I guess. Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait... what's my point?

Daria - That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.

Jane/Michiko - You really should write fortune cookies.

Daria - Call me when you get back.

Jane/Michiko - All right, freakin' friend. _(starts to walk away, then stops and turns)_ Um, I don't believe I'm about to say this, but... you should give Tsurugi-kun another shot. He's not a bad guy. And you could use the recreation.

Daria - Um, what about the whole you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-how-could-you thing?

Jane/Michiko - I think I actually _am_ over that. As opposed to when I _said_ I was over it but was really still under it.

Daria - Yeah, right.

Jane/Michiko - Seriously. Give it some thought on the way back.

Daria - I don't think so.

Jane/Michiko - Or converse with the band. The choice is yours.

_(And with that, Jane/Michiko walks away, leaving Daria to the tender mercies of Mystik Spiral and her own thoughts.)_

_**SCENE 48 - THE MORGENDORFFER/MOGI HOUSE**_

_(Daria is on her bed, reading, when Quinn/Yuiko walks into the bedroom)_

Daria - No, those sandals _don't_ make your toes look fat.

Quinn/Yuiko – So Sensei was right. I am superficial.

Daria - At least you know your strengths. _(she glances up and sees the look on Quinn/Yuiko's face: devastation)_ He really called you that?

Quinn/Yuiko - He said he only dates girls with "depth."

Daria - How did it even come up? _(Quinn/Yuiko's look gets deeper)_ Oh, boy. _You_ asked _him_ out?

_(Quinn/Yuiko turns away and starts crying)_

Daria – Yu-chan, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones, like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.

Quinn/Yuiko - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Daria - Hey, we're talking about _you_ here. _(pause)_ You really liked that guy, huh? _(Quinn/Yuiko nods)_ Well, he certainly wasn't what we intellectuals call a totally buff hottie, so if you saw past his looks, you can't be completely shallow.

Quinn/Yuiko - Thanks, oneechan. Damn it, I even told him I liked him! I _never_ do that!

Daria - Yui... sometimes you reach out to someone and all you get back is a slap in the face. _(sees Helen/Erin appear in the doorway)_

Quinn/Yuiko - Then why even bother?

_(Daria waves Helen/Erin back)_

Daria - I guess because, um, you got to give people a chance. Otherwise, there's no point to the whole being-human routine.

Quinn/Yuiko - Why? Sensei didn't give _me_ a chance!

Daria - Sure he did. Wasn't he going to quit before you begged him not to?

Quinn/Yuiko - Yeah. So?

Daria - So you learned a whole bunch of stuff and found out you don't have to be a dummy if you don't want to... because he gave you a chance.

_(Helen/Erin figures it's time to intervene)_

Helen/Erin - Yui, I...

Quinn/Yuiko - Okay, thanks for lending this to me. Beauty and Sadness (1). Sounds fun! _(laughs nervously as she leaves)_

Helen/Erin - _(approaching the bed)_ "Give people a chance." Sounds like good advice.

Daria - That crap?

Helen/Erin - _(exasperated)_ Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you...

_(She hands Daria an envelope. Rather than open it, however, Daria simply gives her a "how about some privacy, please?" stare.)_

Helen/Erin - ...and I guess I'll go see how Yui's doing. _(leaves)_

_(Daria opens the letter. It's from Rinku: "My stepfather sucks. E-mail me if you want." Daria finally got through to him, which brings a tiny smile to her face.)_

_**SCENE 49 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL/OYAMADA GAKUEN**_

_(the Fashion Club is walking down the hallway)_

Quinn/Yuiko - Agh! This heat is making my lip gloss all runny.

Sandi/Sen - Tell me about it. It's so hot we can't even wear our new fall clothes.

Stacy/Satsuki - They should really start school in November.

_(later, in Mr. DeMartino/Temari-sensei's class)_

Mr. DeMartino/Temari-Sensei - All right, which of you _**promising young people**_ would like to share a brief _**synopsis**_ of the Sino-Japanese War_**?**_

_(Quinn/Yuiko raises her hand, then lowers it at a look from Sandi/Sen. She hesitates only a moment, though, then confidently raises her hand again.)_

Mr. DeMartino/Temari-sensei – Mogi-kun? Did you want something?

Quinn/Yuiko –The Sino-Japanese war was fought from 1894 to 1895 between Japan and Qing dynasty China over land-ownings in North Korea. I guess even back then they realized how big a cultural hub Seoul was going to be.

Mr. DeMartino/Temari-sensei - Ahh, Mogi-kun, that's _**very**_ good! _**Thank**_ you for making my day rewarding.

_(class starts to murmur amongst themselves; up until now, Quinn/Yuiko has never shown she has a functioning brain)_

Sandi/Sen - Gee, Mogi... I hope that little foray of yours into Geekland just now is the result of heat exhaustion, and not an unpleasant side effect of all that tutoring. I mean, you're not turning into a brain, are you?

Quinn/Yuiko - _(undeterred)_ Sempai, just because someone can answer a simple question doesn't mean they're a pedagogue.

_(Sandi/Sen wants to respond, but can't: she doesn't know what Quinn/Yuiko said, which brings a smile to Quinn/Yuiko's lips.)_

_**SCENE 50 – LAWNDALE/SAITAMA STREET**_

_(Daria and Jane/Michiko are walking home from school)_

Daria - So, I guess I got through to Rinku after all, and all it cost me was a generous period of self-doubt followed by a bracing stint of self-hatred.

Jane/Michiko - See? Not every human is a manipulative, opportunistic letch, or at least that's what I'm told.

Daria - You didn't make _any_ friends at that art colony, did you?

Jane - Nope. Well, except this one sempai, until she got fresh.

_(that one brings Daria to a halt)_

Daria - You're not kidding.

Jane/Michiko - As much as I'd like to gain your sour perspective on the whole sordid incident, it's gonna have to wait. I think someone's looking for you.

_(Tom/Tomohiro pulls alongside Daria and Jane/Michiko in his new Rustmobile)_

Jane/Michiko - Whoa! Nice car. Where's Sebastian (2)?

Tom/Tomohiro - I killed him for his uniform. How are you doing?

Jane/Michiko - I'm okay. _(inclines her head in Daria's direction)_ She's pretty okay, too.

Tom/Tomohiro - Yeah, I know that. Hey, Mogi-san.

Daria - Hey.

Tom/Tomohiro - Want to go for a ride?

Daria - Actually, we were just...

Jane/Michiko - ...saying good-bye. I'll call you later. _(leaves)_

_(Tom/Tomohiro opens the passenger door for Daria, and they drive away. When they reach the Morgendorffer/Mogi house, he pulls in front and stops the engine.)_

Daria - Thanks for the lift. Um, I guess I should be going. _(starts to leave)_

Tom/Tomohiro - Just hear me out. Okay?

Daria - Sure. _(quickly settles back into the seat)_

Tom/Tomohiro - There's nothing I can do about the club, my family, the whole thing. And yes, I can see where all of that could make you uncomfortable.

Daria - Thank you.

Tom/Tomohiro - But would you also agree that maybe I was right when I said this dating stuff is new to you, and you're afraid of getting hurt, and maybe you were looking for an out before you got too pulled in? _(pause)_ Mogi-san?

Daria - Maybe some of that's true.

Tom/Tomohiro - Well, here's the deal. I want to start seeing you again. We can take it slow, but you've got to at least try to trust me. I really like you…Daria-san (3), but I don't want to waste any more time if you're not going to give it a chance. _(pause)_ Please?

_(Daria mumbles)_

Tom/Tomohiro – Daria-san...?

Daria - I want to try again, too...Tomohiro-kun.

Tom/Tomohiro - Don't say any more. I hate it when you get all mushy.

Daria - Yeah, I don't like it, either. Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya.

_(Daria gets out of the car, and just as Tom/Tomohiro prepares to pull away, she jumps back in and they kiss... all of which is observed by Helen/Erin through the bay window of the house.)_

Helen/Erin - Oh, Jiro, do you realize what a momentous Golden Week our girls have had? Yui learned she's smarter than she thought, and Daria has her first boyfriend.

Jake/Jiro –Golden Week's almost over?

Helen/Erin - _(exasperated)_ Jiro...

_(Jake/Jiro turns around, revealing the mischievous grin on his face. He finally made a joke!)_

Helen/Erin - You made a joke, didn't you? (Jake/Jiro nods.) (_seductively_) I like a man with a sense of humor.

Jake/Jiro - _(seductively)_ Bamboo chopsticks may be expensive (4), but you know what isn't?

Helen/Erin - I don't know.

Jake/Jiro - Well, you're about to find out!

Helen/Erin - Oh!

_(Helen/Erin starts laughing and whooping as Jake/Jiro begins to tease her and chase her around the living room. Outside, the sun slowly sets behind Daria and Tom/Tomohiro, and on an eventful Golden Week in Saitama.)_

_(closing credits)_

A 1964 novel by Yasunari Kawabata involving a love triangle between artists

A Japanese loan term now used by otaku often in place of "butler". The name comes from Heidi of the Alps, where the archetypal butler's name was, of course, Sebastian.

Tomohiro/Tom's change of honorifics denotes that he wants a closer relationship with Daria. Luckily, she responds in kind, placing them both on a very intimate first-name basis.

A pun on the word for bamboo (_take_) and the colloquialism for expensive (_take_, a corruption of the proper _takai_).

FINIS


End file.
